


Absence of Time

by Kristabella27



Category: Homeland
Genre: F/M, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-03-04 23:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3096704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kristabella27/pseuds/Kristabella27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set post Season 4. Caught in a web of lies and betrayed by Saul and Dar Adal, Carrie and Quinn race to find each other before it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Back to the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic in a very long time so honest feedback is welcome! Hopefully you enjoy! :)

She stood silently, stoically, no emotion gracing her face. She didn't move and it felt like she hadn't breathed in hours. She stared down into the dark hole, surprised out how sloppy it seemed yet how simple it was.

It had been a short service, brief and to the point, just like him. He would have wanted it that way. Well he probably would have wanted nothing at all, which she couldn't not agree with. Ironically it was a bright day, warm and sunny but the spot she stood in was shaded by a large oak nearby. Figures, she thought. And how could she have not known how many friends he had? Who were all of them anyway? Seat fillers perhaps, a kind gesture from Langley? Of course their people were there and the devil himself, Dar Adal, had the gaul to show up. That spineless piece of shit. She wished she could kill him herself, and she could but wasn't ready for the repercussions of that - yet.

Her menacing thoughts were cut off by a familiar voice behind her, piercing the silence other than the rustling of the trees. His voice was soft and apprehensive, "Carrie.."

She didn't turn around, still didn't move and certainly didn't respond. Again, "Carrie...I know you're angry with me." He paused, knowing anything he could even potentially say would certainly piss her off. He knew nothing would make any of it right but still felt in his gut - and his soul - he had to try. "You know I am sorry for how all of this turned out. My intention was never to hurt you but I had to do what was right at the time."

Almost as soon as the word left his mouth, he knew it was the wrong choice. His words pierced her ears and her heart.

"Right??" She hissed, sounding exasperated. "Are you fucking kidding me, Saul?!" She was now turned, facing her former mentor, father figure and friend.

Carrie looked him dead in the eyes, and he stared back hoping to see some sort of flicker of emotion - positive emotion anyway - in her eyes. There was nothing but resentment and disappointment. "NONE of this has been right! Ever since I stepped foot in Pakistan everything has been a complete disaster." She tried to hold her arms at her side but she was so frustrated and as she yelled her hands flared.

Carrie took a deep breath and looked at him for a long moment "I don't even know why you're fucking here. The nerve you and that piece of shit had coming here. Why you're even bothering right now? You know I'll never forgive you."

"Carrie.." He started but she quickly continued. "Nothing you can ever say or do will reverse the damage that's been done." She looked at him cold and hard, "and it'll never make you less of a traitor."

She held his gaze for a final moment and he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. She turned and looked down at the dark hole in the ground, the smooth wooden box staring back at her.

"When you're ready...you know where to find me." Saul said quietly, attempting to suppress his own anger at being called the word he most despised.

"I'll never be ready." She responded, her voice shallow but not breaking. Carrie didn't turn to look at him and kept her eyes transfixed at the ground, her arms tightly folded.

Saul waited a moment and without another word, walked away from her, digging his heels deeper into the grass with each step. How can she be so ignorant? He thought. If she only knew what I've actually done. He left her alone, giving up on another attempt to make peace.

It had been months and sometimes he thought she'd never come around. Maybe she wouldn't, and he'd have to live with that. Saul reached the awaiting SUV and turned around to watch her for a moment, standing alone and she seemed peaceful. "One day you'll understand Carrie." He said under his breath and proceeded to climb into the backseat, slamming the door.

"You know every time I leave you alone with her, I have this short lived concern that you've told her the truth. But then I remind myself that you're well aware of what's at stake and all that goes away." Dar Adal didn't even bother to look at Saul as he made his underhanded comment. He wasn't looking for a response and didn't feel he needed to threaten Saul but he did know that Carrie Mathison was his weakness.

"I am aware." Saul said gruffly, sounding defeated and he looked straight ahead as they drove off.

Carrie stood there for another hour lost in her thoughts and the sun had began to fade. She had both hands in her pockets and her left hand outlined the white paper envelope over and over again.

A few hours ago, as the ceremony came to a close and she stood back behind the crowd, a man she didn't recognize approached her. "Carrie Mathison." He didn't ask, he knew. "Who's asking?" She responded, eyebrows raised. "I worked with Quinn."

Rob wasn't a man of words, and extended the envelope with her name scrolled on the front out to her. "What the fuck is this?" Carrie almost snapped at him, snatching the envelope. Rob paused for a minute and he knew who she was and of course she was no dummy. "You know what it is. I am sorry. If the circumstances were different I could have done more." He looked down and started to walk away.

Of course Carrie went after him. "What is that supposed to mean?!" She asked furrowing her brow, her tone demanding. "It means what it means." Rob responded, not breaking stride, "I have to go. I am sorry."

She stopped for a moment and continued to walk after him. "What happened over there? Tell me!...I need to hear it from you." Carrie demanded. "Look, I can't...you know that." He responded finally stopping a second to look at her. "I don't know you Carrie, but you need to let this one go."

"Let it go? That's bullshit and you know it! I can see it all over your face." She yelled at him. "Go ahead, walk away!... Coward!" Carrie knew nothing she said would make Rob talk at that moment, especially with all these people around so she let him go as she shoved the envelope in her pocket. Of course she knew what it was.

Now standing at his grave, the sky growing darker by the minute, she continued her internal debate. Carrie thought she was a fool for letting all this time go by and not thinking that she'd receive a letter like this. The thought actually never crossed her mind, how could it? She pulled the envelope out of her pocket and looked at his handwriting closely. Had she ever seen him write anything? She couldn't remember and that bothered her. Carrie paced for another minute or two then made her way back to her 'spot', lifting her head back and looking up briefly taking a breath. "Fuck it." She said in a 'might as well' tone and took the envelope in both hands, tearing it open from the back, roughly pulling out the folded paper inside.

When she read the words scribbled down, smack in the middle of the paper, no regard for neatness and in that same handwriting, she felt like her heart stopped.

Carrie tried to stop the thoughts that immediately began darting through her mind but couldn't. She breathed quickly and loudly a few times trying to regain herself. She would not cry but felt her chin quiver a bit. Carrie bit her lip and shook her head, growing angry as a tear escaped her left eye. "No. No you don't get to do that." she said, not looking down but looking up at the sky, her body swaying a tiny bit. She shook her head and gritted her teeth, wiping the tear from her face, moisture smearing the paper. Carrie was now even angrier than before. She felt some of her regretful feelings swirl up from her gut but she managed to push them right back down with the determination she felt coursing through her veins. She didn't look at the paper again, once was all she needed, there wasn't much to memorize.

Carrie pushed the letter into the air, letting it leave her fingers briskly, the envelope falling with it. She watched it fall for a second and turned her back, "Bullshit, Quinn." She said and finally walked away. "I am coming for you."

The letter fell messily next to the wooden casket sitting in the freshly dug grave. As the ground seeped into the paper, the words could still be made out. "Will always love you. I am sorry."


	2. The Lies We Tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all the feedback on the first chapter! I promise more Quinn soon and Carrie/Quinn! :)

The first month he was gone Carrie spent her days wallowing with regret. Sadness consumed her heart, soul and mind and she climbed back into the hole she had desperately gotten out of. She muffled her cries at night with her pillow and after awhile learned how to cry without even making a sound. If she stared at the clock long enough the tears would come on their own. She would take long drives to escape everyone and everything, only no jazz played. Nothing played. Once considered a dangerous idea, Carrie drove in silence, alone with her thoughts. The jazz no longer soothed her but brought up the painful memory of that day she had driven to Dar Adal's home and received two blows at once. Now whenever she heard a piano or a saxophone all should could feel is betrayal, loneliness and sadness.

Carrie had wondered over and over again what would have happened if she hadn't up and left, going on what she had referred to as a 'crazy road trip' to Missouri. Or what if she had just let Quinn join her there to help sort out her issues? If he had been there with her she could have simply ran right to him after finishing the hour long conversation with her mother and told him everything. Told him yes. Simple. But Carrie knew for her, things were never simple. Life was never simple for her. Maybe this was her grand punishment for a life's worth of bad decisions and perhaps even for all of the lives she had taken over the years. Maybe she deserved all of this. The thought whirled through her mind over and over, not seeming to subside, until she finally accepted the fact that she did deserve everything she has been dealt. 

Carrie went on like this for an entire month. Avoiding her responsibilities at Langley, barely speaking to anyone. She functioned on autopilot with Frannie and refused to admit anything was wrong to Maggie, just blaming it all on nightmares From Islamabad. Carrie developed a routine of wandering into her father's room at night, sitting on the floor with her back against the bed slowly sipping a glass of wine as the tears fell, sleep never once seemed relevant. Day after day would pass and her phone would ring almost daily, but it was never Quinn. It was always Saul. Her former friend and mentor trying to make amends. It was insulting to her. 

One late afternoon it did happen while she was walking across the parking lot to her car. 'Unknown' scrolled across her phone screen and Carrie nearly dropped the fragile device when trying to swipe and answer. "Quinn?" She immediately shouted out, desperately anticipating hearing his voice. She just wanted to hear that tone he had with her the last time they had spoken, when she basically rejected him. 

Instead she heard Saul's equally as desperate voice, "Carrie don't hang up." She closed her eyes and exhaled, leaning against her car and releasing most of her weight. "Carrie, you there?' Saul asked, praying she would respond. His heart had dropped a bit when he realized she thought it could be Quinn calling her and his guilt once again surfaced. "Look Carrie, I am sorry, it was the only way I knew I could get you on the line." he plead and waited a long moment before hearing her response, "Go to hell, Saul." Carrie managed to breathe into the phone before hanging up.

Carrie had lost Quinn and Saul all in one terrible moment. She was alone again not being able to count Maggie and Frannie. There was no one left who really truly knew her and there was no one besides Maggie who she could rely on implicitly. 

Carrie could not fathom how Saul could do what he did and as she would think about it more and more, she would eventually push it out of her mind, not wanting to face the reality that Saul had selfishly chosen his own personal advancement over the honor and justice of their fallen colleagues. It just didn't make sense. Dar Adal's intentions, those she could understand, but not Saul's. How could he? How does he sleep at night? I hope he doesn't. Carrie thought. 

Two weeks after Carrie had showed up at Dar Adal's home an hour too late for Quinn, she made the same ride to her enemies home, loudly rapping on the door, impatient as always. He opened the door looking as dismayed as ever seeing her on his doorstep. "Well??" Carrie barked at him. Adal almost rolled his eyes a bit, "If that is your way of asking if Quinn has surfaced yet, the answer is no." Before Carrie could even respond he continued, "and I would greatly appreciate you not stopping by here again. You know the answer will be the same. I am sure Peter will reach out if he makes it back in one piece." 

Adal knew his words would stab Carrie in the gut and he immediately saw her rage boil up. He quickly shut the door in her face as she lunged forward, pounding her fists on the door, "You son of a bitch! You better pray he comes back!! I'll come for you I swear to God!" she stopped when she realized he wasn't coming back to entertain the conversation.

Dar Adal had hoped his neighbors didn't hear Carrie's childish behavior, the last thing he needed were more questions. The blacked out SUV's at all hours were enough to keep the block chatting. He knew she was a loose cannon and without Saul - or Quinn - to keep her in line, her next move was unpredictable. One more outburst and he'd have her tailed indefinitely. 

Adal walked back to his study, seamlessly decorated in several dark shades and sleek like the rest of his home. He rounded his large desk and picked up the line he had left open while answering the door. There was one black case open on the middle of his desk and he observed a screen showing an aerial version of the night view his men on the ground had. 

"Go ahead, Alpha 8." he waited for the calm and familiar response of his best asset. 

"Alpha 8, target one still in sight, holding." Quinn's voice crackled over the line, updating Adal, waiting patiently for his next orders. 

There was a long pause, "Continue to hold Alpha 8." Dar Adal lowered the line and sat down. There was no way in hell he'd let Carrie Mathison fuck up his mission. This wasn't about her and she could wait. Adal looked across his desk and made brief eye contact with Saul, who sat there disapprovingly but didn't dare say a word.


	3. The Deal

After the last encounter, Carrie had floated into Langley a few times over that first month as the Congressional hearings continued and laid low. 

One evening she had been flipping through her salvaged files from Islamabad, discarding some of the photos she couldn't stand to look at into her trash basket that was sitting in the middle of her desk. It was her routine, go in late, avoid everyone and go home. Carrie jumped when she heard her name from the doorway. She looked up and saw Lockhart staring back.

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." he apologized as he slowly walked in a bit, awkwardly leaning against the door. 

"Uh no it's fine, I am just going through some of this crap from that godforsaken place." Carrie threw the pile of files she had been holding onto her desk and leaned back in her chair folding her arms, shaking her head. Finally studying Lockhart for a minute, "You look like hell. Should I even bother to ask how the hearings have been going?" she asked. 

Lockhart sighed and let out a small laugh before he responded, "The hearings are going exactly how I look." 

Carrie had come to respect him, like him even and she felt for him in that moment as he stood there defeated. 

"I know my career is over Carrie. It ended the second I set foot in Islamabad and now it's just a matter of time." He paused for a moment and sighed, "Well I just wanted to say hello." Lockhart slightly smiled and turned to walk away. 

"What if your career isn't over?" Carrie stated more than asked. 

Lockhart stopped in his tracks and backed up, looking at her quizzically, "I'll bite. What are you getting at?" 

"What if there were a way for you to remain Director?" Carrie tested the water with Lockhart, knowing she had to get to the point and soon. He was used to her tactics. 

"Do I even want you to continue or should I walk out of here now and keep my last ability to make good decisions?" Lockhart sighed, knowing Carrie had something up her sleeve but at that point he was open to anything.

Carrie leaned forward in her chair looking at him closely, "Saul is making a play for Director, with the help of Dar Adal. They've made a deal and I am hoping you and I can make one of our own." 

Lockhart stared back at her, Carrie Mathison always knew how to hook him in. "Regardless of whatever Saul might be orchestrating, I highly doubt there's anything I would be able to do for you anyway given my current state." 

"Look..hear me out." Carrie stood up and walked around her desk, "this deal that Saul's made is wrong. Really wrong." she took a deep breath and continued, "all the shit that went down over there wasn't all your fault and we both know that. I have a lot of blame to take and I can -"

"Carrie stop right there." Lockhart shook his head and walked across the room closing the gap between them. "If you think for a moment I would ever let you take any sort of blame for me you ARE out of your mind."

"Not blame, responsibility. Some sort of responsibility, it doesn't matter what kind. I can tell a different story then what those one-sided assholes have been listening to in these goddamn hearings. Let me do this, let me tell a different story. Saul would never think for a second that I would stand up like this, speak the actual truth." Carrie almost pleaded with him. 

"I don't know Carrie. This can get complicated." he sighed and shifted his weight, taking his glasses off rubbing his head "Dare I ask what you want in return.."

Carrie inhaled deeply, "I need you to get me as close to Syria as possible. I'll take anything, any drop I don't care. I just need to get close." 

"What?! What the hell are you talking about? Syria, Carrie??" Lockhart looked at her surprised but not shocked because nothing she said or did really shocked him anymore. "No way. Absolutely not, there's no way in hell I can pull that off and even if I could I wouldn't. Do you have any idea how -" 

"Three weeks ago Dar Adal deployed a team to Syria to take out three high level ISI targets." she paused, "Quinn was on that team." Carrie lowered her voice, her eyes were dark and empty.

Lockhart sighed and looked away, "Jesus, Carrie.." he paced a bit.

"You know I wouldn't ask if I didn't really need this....And you really need this too." She stared at him intensely, "Please, I am begging you here, I am fucking begging you. All of the bad shit that went on over there I can't stop thinking about. All of things I can't make right in my life....this is the only thing I can." Carrie stopped, feeling tears coming. "I need to get Quinn back. I need you to understand how much I do."

Lockhart just looked back at Carrie for what seemed like an hour. She seemed broken, her eyes showed how completely desperate she was and Lockhart felt her pain. What he had been going through the last few weeks in the hearings was absolute hell and they had been relentless with him. He could use a break and he could certainly use an image boost. 

Finally he spoke, "What else do I have to lose at this point." Lockhart said nodding his head. 

Carrie let a sharp breath out and almost laughed, "Thank you! Thank you, sir. I don't know how to begging thanking you.." she gave Lockhart a quick embrace, taking him by surprise and he awkwardly patted her before she pulled away.

"Ok, ok..just remember I can't promise anything, Carrie. I'll do the best I can to get you over there but you need to keep in mind it may not happen." he shoved his hands in his pocket, confirming his decision.

"I know, I get it, I do. I want you to know that I'll give my deposition - in your favor - regardless." Carrie assured him and he nodded back at her, "Thank you."

Two days later Carrie's cell phone rang and for the first time since he had left she had hoped it was someone other than Quinn. "Hello?" Carrie waited for Lockhart to give her news. 

"I can get you to a drop point in Turkey. That's as close as I can do." Lockhart informed her and paused, "This is dangerous Carrie and I need you to know I don't think this is the best idea right now. I needed to say that." 

Carrie shut her eyes, "I know but Quinn didn't hesitate when he went in and neither am I."

"Alright. You'll need your own team I can only get you two men for security on the ground." he informed her, knowing pulling together a team was never a struggle for Carrie.

"Got it. You'll never know how much I appreciate this." Carrie told him and hung up. 

Now all I have to do is convince Max, she thought.


	4. Game of Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last of the back story leading up to Quinn's funeral.

It had been almost one month since Quinn had left on the mission to Syria and Carrie internally scolded herself for taking so long to go after him. She had convinced Max to help her of course and even though he was apprehensive he still wanted to help. Max knew how much Quinn meant to Carrie.

The only problem Carrie had was she wasn't sure where to even start looking for Quinn. She had exhausted most of her resources and didn't have many friends left. There were barely any favors she could call in. Her and Max sat trying to come up with some sort of plan - their extensive team of two - and came up with nothing. "Do you think you'd be able to get back into Dar Adal's house?" Max finally asked, a little nervous for the response he would get from her.

"Well I know how much he loves my unannounced outbursts." She said, smiling slyly. Max let out a short laugh, probably the first time since Fara's murder.

"You know what to do." Max told Carrie, placing the small device in her hand.

That same afternoon Carrie arrived at Dar Adal's home, nicely knocking on the door and asking to talk. Since she wasn't acting out of line, he let her in and Carrie quickly escalated their conversation into a full blown screaming match. For an extra dramatic flair - and partially because she just wanted to fuck up his fancy shit - she grabbed a vase and threw it in Adal's direction. 

After his expensive possession smashed into a thousand pieces, he had enough. Adal had one of his men come in to remove Carrie and she kicked and screamed until she somehow made it onto the floor and smoothly hooked the device to the back of a side table leg. After the burly man placed her outside, she shook off his grip, straightened herself and retreated down Adal's driveway. She got in her car and drove to where Max's van was parked a block away. 

"Well??" Carrie asked impatiently as she climbed in the van. 

"You've still got it." Max told her with a small smile and flicked on the volume so she could hear. Then it became the waiting game.

While Max waited for any type of intel that could give away Quinn's location, Carrie gave her deposition at the Congressional hearings. She spoke on Lockhart's behalf, giving the Director a very favorable review. Saul wasn't pleased and Carrie didn't care at all.

\-------

"I've got him." Those words from Max were like music to Carrie's ears. 

"Well then let's get the fuck out of here." she responded. She was ready to get Quinn back. 

\-------

Carrie and Max spent a few days in Istanbul, laying low and setting up a small room for Max to work from; he wouldn't be going any further. Carrie forbade it. He would communicate with her from that spot. After three days surveying the best route, Carrie was picked up the two ops guys that Lockhart had promised. 

This was when the nightmare began for Carrie and what she now thought about every single day. It almost seems like a blur to her, how fast it all happened. 

She had been traveling with her escorts toward the Syrian border. They had been stopped at a checkpoint and she had kept still, tucked away in a wooden crate in the back of a covered truck. It had smelled like animal crap. Carrie had held her breath the entire time she heard the officers going back and forth with her guy. Finally after 15 excruciatingly long minutes and raised voices, they let them through. 

For her, that's what felt like the hard part. Carrie had gotten out of her hiding spot, pulled her blonde hair back and wrapped a large black scarf around her head and shoulders. She radioed into Max, obtaining the coordinates she needed. She was almost to Quinn. She had gotten so damn close and he had no idea. 

Thirty minutes after the checkpoint and several turns off the main dirt road, the truck lurched forward suddenly, sending Carrie and her two men back, hitting the floor of the truck hard.

"What the fuck was that?!" she screamed, and pulled herself up to the driver but there was nothing out there.

"I don't know I-I saw someone, I don't know!" the man stammered, terrified. 

Carrie drew her weapon and so did the other two men. Before they could make it out of the truck there were two men facing them, weapons raised, telling them not to move. They were in black, well geared and Carrie could tell they were US.

"What the fuck is this??!" Carrie yelled at them, her eyes wide, not understanding. 

"Ms. Mathison I am going to need you to come with us immediately." the one man spoke, he was stern but not cruel. 

"I am not going anywhere, and how the fuck do you know my name? I know you're one of ours, I am on official CIA-" she was cut off by the larger man who moved forward and he met her nose to nose, ignoring her weapon. 

"You're not on any sort of official anything and you know that. On Dar Adal's orders you need to get in the vehicle, now." He pointed towards a small SUV parked alongside of the road, partially covered in brush. She didn't like him, he was gruff and she could tell he was losing patience.

"Well I don't work for Dar Adal so he can go fuck himself and so can you." Carrie turned to climb back into her truck and the man firmly planted his hand on her shoulder. She spun around and he knocked her gun out of her hand and the next thing she knew she was pinned to the dirt.

The man hovered over her, "I don't have time for this shit. Get in the fucking car." He growled into her ear as he snatched her to her feet quickly.

The other men Carrie had been accompanied by had lowered their weapons and were speaking lowly with the other man who had first spoken. 

\---------

Quinn sat on the ridge line with Rob, it was dark and cold as always around this time. They didn't speak, they just watched from afar. Then something caught Quinn's eye; a reflection perhaps. He saw a commotion down below, "What the fuck is that.." he moved into position.

Rob was on his heels and attempted to divert Quinn from pursuing it, but he knew he was too late, "Probably nothing, I wouldn't bother.." but Quinn already had his scope to his eye. 

He spotted the covered truck and could see the men with weapons, and another person dressed in black. "What the.." He focused in and tried to figure out what was happening. He saw his two guys down there too, intercepting whatever company they were about to receive. Rob quickly radioed down to them, and Quinn heard the response back, "Nothing, just some supplies and a local wandered off." Rob took a breath praying that Quinn didn't see that blonde hair of hers, "See.. Nothing, I told you."

Quinn watched for a few minutes until he saw Shawn load the local into the back of the truck. That guy needed to know when to go easier sometimes, he thought. Quinn had a strange feeling in his gut but he let it go and set down his weapon.

\---------

She remembered being tossed into the backseat roughly, her forehead bleeding slightly. She brushed herself off and ripped off her scarf from her head after they started to drive. 

Carrie's frustrations came to a peak, "Do you have any idea what you've just done? You interfered with a mission that had nothing to do with you! Someone could die!" she yelled.

Shawn scoffed and turned around to face her, "That's a bit hypocritical don't you think.." 

Carrie couldn't believe the balls on this guy. "I need to make a call. Give me your phone." she demanded.

"Sorry, we only have our direct lines for engagement." he responded, certainly not sorry at all.

At that moment she was beyond pissed. "Dar Adal won't be able to protect you from answering to the Director of the CIA so you better come up with a goddamn good story before we get back." Carrie snapped at them.

"The Director is the one who authorized your extraction Ms. Mathison." Shawn told her, not turning to face her this time.

"That's bullshit. Lockhart would never have me pulled out." Carrie shook her head.

"Director Berenson....Mr. Lockhart resigned three days ago." Shawn smugly informed her and knew that would silence the conversation.

"No... No that's not true!" Carrie yelled, she felt like her world was being dumped upside down again. 

"Well you can ask him yourself when we get back." 

Carrie sat in complete silence the rest of the ride until they got to the military base in Turkey. They loaded her and Max, who they had scooped up while intercepting Carrie, onto a cargo plane and sent them home. 

She knew she had been close. Maybe thirty minutes more max and she would have been to Quinn. She would have seen his face, felt his skin, maybe punched him, but that was besides the point. And Saul took that away from her. He took Quinn away from her. 

\--------

As soon as that plane landed Carrie was enroute to Langley. The entire ordeal was a bit of blur but she knew she had stalked around the agency, asking anyone she came across if they had seen Saul and finally she had found him in a conference room meeting with three senior agents and Dar Adal. He had stood immediately when she barged in and Carrie remembered him asking her to leave and her refusing. Saul had asked her several times to wait for him in the hall and she still refused.

"How dare you! You had NO right! You have no idea what you did!" she had shouted at him fiercely. "I don't know how they put a traitor back as Director!"

That broke Saul's patience, "You want to do this here, Carrie?? Alright. You think I am going to let you continue on some dangerous field trip so you can get your way? So you can interfere with an actual mission?? YOU have no clue what you almost fucked up! And I will not let you destroy what other people have worked for over whatever false romance you think you're involved in!" Saul's words were cruel and painful and he knew she would take them hard.

Carrie lunged at him after his last sentence, swinging her fists at him, hitting his glasses off, she remembered that. "I HATE YOU! I fucking hate you!!" She had yelled as she was pulled out of the room. Carrie remembered staring at Saul hard before being removed. Inside, her heart broke again. 

\----------

The next two weeks following the incident at Langley, Carrie holed up in Max's van near Dar Adal's home. They listened to countless hours of nothing and the small bits she did get weren't helpful and it was never Quinn on the line. All she wanted was to hear his voice. Adal must have had some system of taking calls because half of what they heard was missing. 

It was early in the morning and Carrie had dozed off, slumped over in the corner of the van, after a long night of surveillance. Max stayed up when she slept, not wanting to miss anything, just in case. And good thing he did. He heard what sounded like intense orders coming from Adal to Rob, who sounded distressed. 

"Carrie! Wake up!" Max shook her, until her eyes jolted open "you have to hear this! I don't know what's happening exactly, but something is going down." He shoved headphones her way and she hastily put them on. 

She was immediately wide awake and listening to every sound on the line. Carrie held her breath, waiting to hear Quinn's voice but instead she heard Rob's. 

"We're in deep...I've got 14 up the ridge bearing down on us." Rob's voice was breaking up over the line but he sounded distressed. 

"Hold your position do NOT let them over that ridge !" Adal was much calmer than Rob but there was a tinge of worry in his voice. He couldn't afford for this to get fucked up. 

There was a period of loud noise, static and yelling back and forth. Carrie and Max could barely make out what was happening. Then she heard gunshots, automatic fire, fast, loud - and close. Carrie looked up at Max, her face turned white.

"We're taking heavy fire!" Rob's voice shouted over the line, "we've lost our hold on the ridge, they're coming up the west. We have to fall back!" Carrie heard other voices vaguely in the background and could swear she heard Quinn yelling orders to the others. There was another long round of gunfire back and forth, which had felt like an eternity to listen to. 

"We're falling back to the east. We've been hit, we're hit!" Rob yelled desperately. Carrie had sworn she had completely stopped breathing at that moment and maybe even lost consciousness. 

Adal's voice swept over the line with urgency, "Confirm who has been hit" there was nothing but static. "Alpha 8 I need a confirmation!" There was a long silence and finally Rob's voice broke over the line. 

"Quinn's down, we're all wounded!" Rob yelled as he tried to return fire. 

That was the moment Carrie swore she left her body. She couldn't even take it all in but she knew he was hurt. "What the fuck does down mean??" She yelled at Max, her eyes darted but she was silenced by Adal's response on the line.

"Leave Quinn. Get out of there, now!" Adal yelled to Rob, his voice was strong but full of uncertainty.

"I can't leave-" Rob started to protest but Adal cut him off quickly.

"That is a direct order, Alpha 8. Fall back immediately and break off." Adal told him sternly and Carrie didn't hear his voice again after that. 

"Copy that." was the last thing she hear before ripping off the headphones and throwing them to the side. Max faced her, trying to calm her down but saw how distraught she was becoming. 

"They left him... They left him there..." Carrie said her voice trailed off and the tears formed in her eyes. "That fucking son of a bitch is going to pay for this. I have to get him to turn them around, they have to go back!" She yelled and started out the back of the van, Adal's home in her sight. Max yanked Carrie back, holding her by both arms.

"You can't do that. If you go out there this is over and you'll have no connection to Quinn at all." Max had looked at her closely, "I know you're worried and you care about him but this is all you have left Carrie.."

She had started to cry and knew Max was right but didn't want to give up. "I have to get them to go back. How could they just leave him there?? He's hurt, he could be dy-" she stopped herself. She couldn't think that way. 

"I am sorry, Max, I have to try." Carrie had told him and made a second attempt to exit the van, but Max grabbed her by the back of both arms, firmer than the first time and held her back.

"Max let me go now! I am not going to figh-" Carrie stopped talking, and stopped moving immediately. Her body fell limp as she stared out the back window of the van. It was as if the wind had been knocked out of her and any last shred of emotion was gone. 

Max looked at her, this was the first time she had ever stopped struggling like that. "What? What is it?" He climbed around next to her, straightening his glasses and saw she was staring out the window, her eyes full of tears. Saul was mid-stride, walking briskly away from Dar Adal's house. He had been in there the entire time and he let them abandon Quinn. Carrie had nothing else to do in that moment but cry. 

\--------

Carrie waited a few days after that incident to confront Saul. She knew she had to do something but wasn't clear what. She also needed a little time to pass before making the call. 

"Saul..look I've been thinking about everything that's happened and I think we should talk. I don't want to leave things like this." she had lied and said to him in her calm, defeated voice which Saul immediately gave into. 

Carrie knocked on his door the same afternoon, and he allowed her into the living room. This was personal, no need to go near Langley. 

"Carrie, I am glad you finally called, I've been trying to get in touch with you." Saul told her, pouring some water, she shook her head. "I am also glad you've realized that there are some things that are more important than a misunderstanding." 

Carrie had listened to him and she thought she would be able to hold out longer but couldn't. "So was it a misunderstanding when you allowed Dar Adal to leave Quinn for dead?" she said calmly and stared at him intensely. 

Saul was completely taken aback, how did she know that? "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Come on, Saul. Don't play that with me, just come out with it! I know you were working with Dar Adal on the mission that Quinn is on in Syria. I know that you had me brought home because I got too close to him. I KNOW that you allowed Adal to give the order to leave Quinn for dead after he'd been hit!" Carrie's words had gotten increasingly louder until she was shouting and closed the gap between them. 

Saul took a deep breath, "Carrie, sit down.." he said quietly gesturing towards the couch.

"No! I don't want to sit I want you to tell me what the fuck is going on!" she yelled, her patience was gone. 

"I said sit, Carrie." Saul told her sternly, giving her a look.

"Why.." Carrie looked at him, she had seen this look before. He wanted to calm her down, he had the same tone in his voice when he had told her there was nothing he could do to save Brody. She slowly shook her head as the words came out of his mouth.

"Carrie, I am sorry... Quinn's dead." Saul had told her very quietly as if to try and soothe her suffering but she wasn't having it. 

"No. No he's not, I heard him..I-" she pushed Saul away as he tried to guide her to the couch. "Don't touch me!" Carrie shouted at him.

"He's gone. His team fell under attack by a group of insurgents we didn't catch on our radar. There was a fire fight and Quinn was hit." Saul had slowly explained to her as she didn't blink once, still shaking her head. 

"That's a lie! That's bullshit I heard Adal tell them to leave Quinn. They would have no idea if he's still alive." Carrie was grasping at anything at this point, it wasn't true, it couldn't be. 

Saul sighed and tried to reach out again to calm her flailing arms but she backed away. "Carrie look at me." She refused. "Look at me!" He yelled and placed his hands on her shoulders, then his voice softened when she looked at him. "They went back for him. He bled out before they could have him extracted." She shuttered at his words letting out a cry and looked down, feeling her body crumble and her heart sink. "I am so sorry, Carrie."

She stopped crying and caught her breath for a moment yet the tears still streamed down her cheeks. "You can't be sorry because if he's dead..then you killed him." she gave him a long hard look, "I need to see him. I need to see his body." 

Saul sighed, holding his grip on her, afraid of letting go. "There's no body Carrie. He was cremated early this morning. It was what he asked for. That's why I've been calling you." 

Carrie pushed Saul away and shook her quickly, "No...no...he wouldn't..." she strode towards the door throwing it open as he yelled her name. She turned and looked at Saul, "You stay away from me." 

Carrie breathed in and out, hard deep breaths as she walked, tears flowing and when she made it to her car, she drove away quickly. She pulled over a block away and parked her car on the side of the road. Carrie let her body slump over the steering wheel and she sobbed loudly, all alone. She had lost him. The only man she could rely on, she'd lost.

\--------

Carrie didn't move from her room for two days after her conversation with Saul. She didn't sleep, eat or speak to anyone. She listened to the message Lockhart left her, offering his condolences, apologizing profusely and telling her about Quinn's 'funeral' that would be held the next day. Since he had no family, the agency felt it was right to give him a burial. How could she bury him? No, she couldn't. She wouldn't go.

Max called her several times, demanding she call him back, and finally after the 24th call and hearing the urgency in his voice, she picked up. "What?" She slurred, still a little loopy from her sleeping pill she had taken. 

"Carrie where have you been? I've been trying to call you!" Max scolded her, talking too fast for her current state of comprehension. 

"I see that... 24 times. If you're about to tell me details for Quinn's funeral, Lockhart beat you to it, besides I-" before she could finish Max cut her off hurriedly.

"No no, not that. Look...after you told me about how Saul claimed Quinn died, it just didn't add up. I've been camped outside Dar Adal's house since Tuesday. I've been listening to-"

"What?? You're still there? Max, he's dead. Please stop.." Carrie felt defeated her voice breaking as she started to tear up. She had convince herself that Quinn was gone.

"No, I am not going to stop. Carrie listen to me...if Adal's team aborted the mission and are back on our soil then why is he still giving commands to an Alpha 1?" Max's words didn't seem real and they jolted Carrie out of her haze. "I've been observing Adal's patterns. Every two hours like clockwork he asks for a line to Alpha 1. Then he must go somewhere else because I can't pick up audio." Max waited on the other end of the line. 

Carrie put what he was saying together and could barely get the words out. "Oh my God..." She breathed out and shut her eyes, "You think Quinn is Alpha 1..." 

"It makes more sense than that crap story Saul fed you." Max replied feeling triumphant. "What do you want to do?" 

She sat there in silence until she heard her name "Carrie?" 

"I am going to go to that funeral and then we're going to find Quinn. This time I am not leaving without him. They'll have to kill me first." she hung up with Max and realized she had stopped crying. He was alive and she was going to get him home.


	5. Follow the Breadcrumbs

He was alive. This became Carrie's mantra day in and day out. As she had stood silently at his funeral, she repeated this to herself over and over again. He was alive. 

The sheer terror she had felt when she found out that Quinn had been left for dead was almost more overwhelming then when she was told he was. Saul had lied to her; multiple times to her face. He stood before her, looked her in the eyes and told her that Quinn was dead. More lies. He knew that would rip her apart, perhaps even send her into a complete tailspin, yet he didn't care. Saul did it anyway and she could never forgive him for that. Even telling her that Quinn had been cremated. How disgusting had he become exactly? But more importantly, what does he and Dar Adal have Quinn doing that was worth orchestrating his death? 

The same evening of Quinn's funeral, Carrie tracked Rob down. He was her only hope at finding Quinn. She wasn't surprised when she pulled up to a motel; she assumed they all lived the same - if you want to call that living. She knocked a few times on the door and there was no answer. Impatient as she was, Carrie knocked several more times, now with a bit more urgency, "Rob! I know you're in there! I need to ta-" 

As soon as Rob heard his name he swung the door open quickly, "What the hell are you doing here?!" 

"You know exactly why I am here." Carrie barged in past him, and turned to face him, folding her arms as he closed the door.

Rob sighed. He didn't want to deal with Quinn's shit right now, "Look, you can't be here. I don't know what you think I know or what I can do for you but there's nothing. Quinn's dead and you need to accept that."

Carrie scoffed, "Thats bullshit and you know it. Did Adal train you to say that shit and go along with the rest of his lies or is he paying you to stay quiet?" 

As soon as she mentioned payment, Rob's eyes darted up, meeting hers. They held each other's stare for a moment before she spoke again, "Whatever it is, I'll pay you double." 

Rob laughed, "I don't want your money Ms. Mathison. What I need is for you to leave me the fuck alone."

He started to reopen the front door and Carrie lunged her arm forward, slamming the door shut. They were face to face now and he could see the desperation in her eyes. Shit, he thought, don't look at her. 

"Please..... I am begging you here. I get that you don't know me and you probably barely know Quinn except for the fact that you both are from the same litter, but I need your help. I am fucking crazy, Rob!...But for some insane reason apparently he loves me. I don't deserve him and I doubt I deserve to even be happy but I need to make sure he's alive. I can't lose him." she held Rob's gaze for a long time, her eyes glassy, "Please..we both know Quinn is alive.." 

Rob looked back at her and maybe it was the tone of her voice or maybe she was just really fucking good at her job, but he made a decision, "I don't know if he's alive, but I do know we didn't go back for him." Rob exhaled and moved away from Carrie, leaning against the wall before continuing.

"There was a fire fight, we were overrun by-" 

"I know I know, what happened after that?" Carrie asked anxiously.

"We fell back to the east and were given orders to disperse to our separate extraction points. Adal aborted the mission and all communication ceased. When I got back I was briefed to say I went back for Quinn and recovered his body." 

"But you never went back..." Carrie let it sink in and she paced a bit, "so the last time you saw Quinn he was hit...bleeding but still alive?"

"Yea and he was giving them hell." Rob said almost proudly. "Listen I shouldn't be telling you all of this but I have never left any of my men behind until that night. That's not how we do things. We know we go into whatever shithole they throw us in and risk our lives, but we never risk each other's." Rob shook his head, "I regret it and I wish I could go back myself but I've got eyes on me." 

Rob walked over to the kitchen counter - barren except for a few receipts and a take out menu. "Pen?" he asked.

Carrie fumbled around quickly in her bag almost not believing he was actually helping her. "Here.." she extended him the pen and he took it quickly, scribbling on the back of one of the receipts.

"These are the last three extraction points I know Quinn used. It's likely he would have used one of them on our last mission." Rob handed her the paper and knew what she would ask next, "we never told each other our extraction points to be safe; in case one of us was captured." 

Carrie nodded and took hold of the paper but Rob still held it firmly, "If you get into any shit you didn't get this from me. You were never here. Understood?"

"Yea, I know." she told him, nodding as he released his grip and she slipped the paper into her pocket. 

Carrie walked towards the door and opened it to leave and looked back at him, "Thank you.. I mean it."

"Good luck." Rob told her and she began slowly walking away. "Hey.." Carrie turned apprehensively, hoping he hadn't changed his mind already. "That was the first letter Quinn ever wrote. That's why I am doing this." Rob shut the door, inside hoping she would find him. 

Carrie stood there for a minute after Rob went inside. She touched the paper in her pocket as she had did the letter. That damn letter. Really Quinn? That's what you write, six fucking words?? And you say what you said in a letter. She shook her head, she needed to stop thinking about that and focus. She would have plenty of time to ask him all of her questions after she brought him home.


	6. The Race Begins

Saul had spent the last three days looking for Carrie with no luck. She had somehow managed to shake the tail Dar Adal had on her; not surprising, he had thought. However, he was now losing his patience and beginning to grow concerned. Where the hell was she? After all, she wasn't in the best state after Quinn's funeral. 

Saul slowly walked up the path, taking a moment before knocking on the door of his last resort; Maggie. Of course she would know where her sister is. 

Maggie opened the door and raised her eyebrows as she stood looking at Saul, "What can I do for you? She's not here." she said curtly, not in the mood for him one bit. It was after all, Saul's fault that her sister had run off into danger once again.

"I am looking for her, Maggie." Saul moved forward and realized she was not going to ask him in. "I need to know if she's alright or if she's gone and done something she'll regret." 

Maggie gave a small laugh, shaking her head, "Regret, Saul?? You mean like leaving her daughter again to possibly come home in a body bag?!" she yelled, clearly frustrated and upset. 

"Where did she go?" Saul asked gently.

"Why are you asking me that? You're the one who sent her over there!"

Saul stood silent for a moment looking at Maggie in disbelief. Shit, shit, shit. This was worse than he thought. "Maggie....when did she leave?" 

"I'll never understand you people I swear. All of you! You're all selfish cowards who don't give a shit about your families! All you care about is your jobs!" Maggie screamed at him, tears in her eyes. Saul's expression didn't change by her outburst and she shook her head. "Yesterday. You can call the Embassy in Iraq if you want to talk to her." Maggie slammed the door in his face.

Saul stood frozen. He knew damn well Carrie was not at the Embassy and he knew exactly what she was doing. She was going after Quinn. He realized he now had a very serious decision to make. He could ruin everything, all they've worked for with just one phone call. But how could he abandon her for certain death? She had done everything in her power when he was held prisoner to keep him alive and refused to let him die, even when he had asked. He couldn't do it. 

Saul walked silently to the SUV waiting for him and climbed in the back. "Get out. I need to make a call" he told the driver as he began punching in numbers, as the man obediently stepped out of the vehicle. 

The disposable phone rang suddenly, slightly jolting Quinn from his perch. He looked at the phone and saw Saul's number. That's strange, he thought, Saul never calls, Dar Adal calls. "Yea?" 

"We have a problem." Saul said and paused... this was it, he was going to break it all to hell, "Carrie's gone after you."

Quinn's heart stopped when he heard her name leave Saul's mouth. "What??! What do you mean she's gone after me?? She doesn't know where the fuck I am!" he hissed, still remaining in the crouched position he had been in and wanted to throw the phone off the roof. 

Saul sighed, "Look..someone must have tipped her off, I don't know details yet. All I know is she's in Iraq - or I think she is - since yesterday." 

"Jesus...fuck, Saul!" Quinn's mind raced, she was certainly in danger otherwise Saul wouldn't have just killed their mission. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, "I've got it." 

"Quinn.. One more thing.." Saul added quickly. He knew he had to tell him so that he understood how reckless Carrie would be in her search. "She thought you were dead." 

Quinn let that sink in for a moment, rage overcoming him. "You fucking told her I was dead??" he asked through gritted teeth and didn't even wait for the response. Of course they told her that to keep her away. Saul knew how fragile Carrie is, how could he even think of inflicting her with such pain? "You have better pray very hard that I find her and when I do she better not have so much as a scratch on her. If you don't hear from me in 48 hours, hide, because I am coming for you - and Dar Adal. I'll let you pass that along to him." 

Quinn hung up on Saul, ripping the battery and SIM card from the phone, destroying it all. He took one last look through the scope of his rifle at his target. "I'll be back for you." Quinn said and took one last look at Haqqani before disappearing once again. His heart raced knowing he had to find Carrie, and fast.


	7. Back from the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was so excited to finally write this chapter! I know it cuts off right when it gets really good, but I wanted to share right away :) working on 8 now

You would think that the amount of time she spent in the Middle East, she'd be accustomed to the constant dirt in her mouth, but that was never the case. Carrie had been in Iraq for four days now and wasn't wasting any time in trying to locate Quinn. She had tracked down one of her former assets from years ago, Aman. Aman had been shocked to see Carrie barge into his small shop and at first, tried to get her to leave. After some convincing and pleading, Aman finally agreed to help - for payment of course. Carrie didn't care, she'd give him whatever he wanted if that meant getting one step closer to Quinn. 

Aman accompanied Carrie to the first location that Rob had given her. Quinn's former extraction point wasn't what Carrie had thought it would look like. It was a small outpost and not as quiet as she had assumed. There was no sign of Quinn; not a shred of evidence that he been through that area recently. Aman questioned a few locals and came up with nothing. 

"This isn't it. He wasn't here." Carrie sighed and looked around her. Nothing but dirt, sand and darkness. It was all she could see through her eyes. "Let's go, we're losing time." 

Aman was more quiet than Carrie had remembered and she didn't like it. He seemed nervous and uncomfortable around her and she wasn't sure why. Carrie shook it off as her paranoia surfacing once again. This happened pretty much every time she made the trip to the Middle East. Nine years ago she had recruited Aman as an informant, and he had given Carrie enough for her to obtain her target. What she didn't know is Aman's brother had been killed in the strike she ordered...but Aman remembered very vividly.

\-------

When Quinn was on a mission he had tunnel vision. He was fast, discreet and let nothing stand in his way. His mission now was finding Carrie. He knew she'd be more reckless than usual and couldn't imagine what Saul and Dar Adal had just put her through. His anger boiled from this thought, and made him more aggressive than usual, if that's even possible. Quinn tried to figure out what the fuck went on, but didn't dare make a call to Rob, figuring he had eyes on him and his line was tapped. He had to go strictly on his intuition and would figure a way to find her location. He had to. 

Quinn made his way into Iraq from Pakistan, where he barely made it back into, to pursue Haqqani. As he traveled, he couldn't stop thinking about how they had told Carrie he was dead. How had she reacted? Was she alright? And most importantly, did she she receive his letter? Maybe she hadn't and had gone after him with selfish reasons, thinking of herself. SHE couldn't lose him. It was always about her, he thought. But maybe she did read his letter and she was going after him for another reason. Of course not. It was a mistake. He shouldn't have put himself out there like that. He had to stick to that, he thought. Regardless of whichever it was, he didn't even care at the moment. He knew he had to find her because he loved her. Whether she loved him back and whether it was a mistake or not, he did. He couldn't not. 

\--------

Carrie drove aside Aman, feeling unsure of her current situation more than she had in the past but didn't care. She would do whatever it takes to get to Quinn. Her stomach was turning and in a way, she was terrified to find him. He's absolutely going to yell at me, she thought. At the same time, Carrie still prayed that Quinn wasn't hurt. She did know he had been shot and had no clue the extent of his injuries. She felt sick and for a moment thought she was going to vomit but was jolted back to reality when Aman made a sharp turn off the road. "Sorry." he looked nervously at her, "almost missed it...we're almost there."

The second extraction point was in a more desolate location than the last. How the fuck did Quinn pick these places?? she wondered. It was a small village with only a few buildings with mid-sized cement walls. The roads were dirt and a few dogs wandered loose as a couple of locals headed inside for the evening. The sun had just gone down and Carrie had wished they had made better time getting there, when it was still light out. 

Aman stopped the car off to the side of one of the houses. "This is it..."

Carrie leaned forward, looking out the front windshield, squinting her eyes, trying to get a better look. "This isn't what I thought it would be..."

She got out of the car and looked around, familiarizing herself with her surroundings. Aman got out too and slowly walked around the front of the car, stopping to see what Carrie wanted to do. 

"I am going in. You stay here, I am serious, Aman. None of that shit like last time." Carrie looked him dead in the eyes, her tone was stern. The last thing she needed was to get Aman killed and have his death hanging over her. He had followed her - too close - at the first extraction point they checked. He nodded at her nervously and stayed in his position by the hood of the car. 

Carrie walked towards the outside wall that surrounded the home and unlatched the metal gate. Maybe this was her lucky night, no locks, she thought. She pushed open the gate and walked slowly, her boots didn't make a sound on the dirt and the black pants she had on were dirty anyway, so she figured she probably blended in. She drew her weapon and held it at her side as she walked slowly and apprehensively toward what looked like a side door. The place was dark and there were no lights on inside. 

Carrie pushed on the door... again, unlocked. Her heart beated fast, the adrenaline pumping through her veins as she raised her weapon and entered the house. She stepped in and immediately pressed her back against the first wall, trying to give herself a little cover - just in case. "Quinn?" she whispered, wanting to tell his name but knew she couldn't. He obviously isn't here anyway, she thought. 

She walked slowly through the house, passing a small room that looked like a kitchen that hadn't been used in quite some time. Carrie turned down an adjacent hallway and immediately stopped, becoming rather tense. There was a light flickering in a room at the end of the hall. Fuck. This was it. Carrie tried to control herself from running back there. She was either going to find Quinn alive and hiding out, barely alive or dead. "Quinn?" she hissed again and heard no answer.

Carrie moved quicker than she probably should, weapon raised and her scarf still tucked around her hair messily. She stood outside the doorway of what opened up to a large room that she could make out. One more. "Quinn? You in there?" she asked, a bit louder this time. No response. 

Carrie held her breath and spun herself into the room, immediately checking around her in every direction. There was no one. The room was empty, with the exception of a small wooden table with a candle and a scrap of paper. What the fuck.. She walked over slowly, lowering her gun to her torso, picking up the paper. 'Murderer' was scrolled across in bad handwriting. Carrie turned around quickly and there was a man cocking his rifle, standing to face her. Shit. 

Two more men came out of the second entrance to the room, stood behind him and stopped, weapons in hand. Carrie's eyes darted from each and she kept her gun raised, steady on the first man, whom she assumed was their leader. There was shuffling from the hallway she had just walked down and Aman appeared in the doorway, armed. They looked at each other and she knew she had been betrayed. Shit, this is bad, she thought.

"What the fuck is this, Aman??" she yelled at him, her eyes large and she knew she was showing fear. Dammit. 

"The drone strike you ordered....with the information I gave you... You murdered my brother!" Aman emotionally shouted at her, his voice full of anger and sadness. 

Carrie stared at him in disbelief, unable to speak. This was worst than she thought and it was going to take a lot to talk herself out of this one. The other man said something to the other two in the room and they exited back out down the hallway, leaving Carrie alone in the room with only Aman and the other man.

"Throw your gun on the ground, now!" Aman yelled, raising his own rifle at her and motioned to the ground with his weapon. 

She knew she had to, there was really no other choice. "Aman listen.. You don-" 

"NOW!" he screamed and shot a round next to her, hitting the wooden table. Carrie jumped and raised her hands up, gun in the air, "Ok!...ok.." She crouched, lowering her weapon onto the ground in front of her, never unlocking eyes with Aman. She kicked it over into the space between them. The other man moved closer to Carrie and stood his ground, waiting for Aman to decide to kill her or torture her. 

\---------

Quinn had watched the house closely and had seen a car pull up, but from his vantage point, couldn't see Carrie. He got closer and saw a man standing anxiously by the car, alone. A minute later another truck pulled up and four men got out. They approached the man who had been there, they spoke briefly, handed him a rifle and all checked their weapons. They were well armed. Quinn waited until four of them went inside and left one guy at the door. He moved quickly, getting closer, keeping the man in sight, and crouched behind the main wall. He was memorizing the man's pace in his mind, knowing which way he would turn next...waiting to strike. He stayed down when he heard two additional men appear, their voices in a whisper, and he could understand one of them say, "He has her."

Then Quinn heard the single gunshot and his heart stopped. They could have killed her. No, he couldn't be too late, he'd never forgive himself. Quinn swiftly left his hiding spot, and shot two of the men quickly, his gun silenced, and they dropped without a sound. The other man raised his weapon but Quinn knocked it from him and enclosed his hand over the mans mouth before snapping his neck. 

He moved to the rear of the house, knowing not to use the main entrance. Quinn was in ops mode but all he could picture in his mind was finding Carrie injured, or worse. He moved quickly against the exterior wall and squeezed himself through an ajar window, dropping down silently into the house, gun raised. 

\-------

Carrie stood with her hands up, mad at herself that she had been careless enough not to realize Aman's intentions. She slowly lowered her hands and started to try and dig herself out, "Aman...you need to understand that I had no idea. I was told that there were no civilians in that compound at the time. I would have never, EVER have made that call and you know it! You did the right thing, you helped shut down a key terrorism operation and I couldn't have-" 

Aman had heard enough, "Shut up! I don't want to hear this! I helped you! I gave you everything you wanted and asked for! I put my life and my family's lives in danger! And for what??! There was someone who just picked up right where the the others left off. More terrorism, more death, more false promises!" Aman shouted at her, tears in his eyes and he raised his rifle at her "You are responsible for my brothers death and so am I. So we will die together." 

Carrie looked at him and opened her mouth to speak and nothing came out. She shook her head and held her hands to face him, "Aman.... it doesn't have to be like this...we don't have to die.." Carrie told him slowly and gently. 

Aman stood his rifle against the wall . "Turn and get on your knees!" He yelled to her. 

Carrie stared at him, shaking her head "Aman, please..."

"Turn around, do it!" He shouted, this time much louder. 

She turned but didn't get on her knees, "Please....I have a daughter.. don't do this...please.."

Quinn had made his way to the back room adjoining the only room with light, and when he had seen Carrie, alive, his heart nearly jumped out of his chest. He only saw the back of her, as she was turned around, but could see that blonde hair peaking out from the dark scarf she had on. When he heard her pleading he felt a physically painful tinge in his chest and wanted to go to her, but he knew he had to be patient until the moment was right. 

As Carrie pled, the other man walked over to her and pushed her to the ground roughly. Quinn immediately moved forward a bit, holding the man in his sight. I am going to kill him, he thought, but not yet.

She hit the floor hard, dirt sweeping up into her face, eyes and mouth and she coughed. Carrie dug her nails into the dirt and flung a handful back at the man, "Fuck you!" she screamed through gritted teeth. He kicked her hard, sending her back to the ground and she let out a moan. He then pulled her to her knees by her hair, "Stay." he growled at her.

Quinn swallowed hard, barely able to watch. Now maybe I won't kill him quickly, he thought. 

Aman crossed the room to where Carrie was and kneeled down next to her, so they were facing the same direction. She immediately turned to look at him.

"Don't look at me." Aman said and Carrie didn't listen, holding their stare.

"I am begging you...as a mother...do not do this. No one else has to die as a result of this senseless violence." Carrie begged him, tears forming, as she heard the other man cock his rifle behind them, aiming at her head first. 

"I will watch you die and then I can go in peace." Aman told her, "look ahead, Carrie...not back." 

A tear rolled down her cheek and she looked away from Aman, shutting her eyes. Her body jolted forward as she heard the bullet whiz next to her and opened her eyes long enough to see Aman fall beside her, blood pooling from his head. 

Quinn had shot Aman quickly, and the other man turned to return fire. Carrie scrambled on the ground, not knowing what was happening. She felt around for her gun and jumped to her feet, weapon in hand. A loud shot rang out and she twitched, her hands shaking. The man who had kicked her dropped to the ground hard, blood forming in the middle of his chest. She looked down and knew she hadn't shot him. 

Carrie held her weapon in place, not moving, as Quinn stepped into the light, gun still raised, breathing hard.

For a moment, she didn't think he was real. Maybe she had died and this is what her afterlife looked like. Maybe she was hallucinating again, hoping that he would be there to save her. She wanted him to speak, to say something, so she knew he was real. Carrie didn't think she had ever been so emotional and overwhelmed to see someone in her life. 

She lowered her gun, letting it fall out of her hand, onto the ground. She watched him carefully as he lowered his gun, allowing his arm to fall to his side. Carrie's eyes were big and full of tears, her voice shaking, "Quinn..."


	8. Never Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, I appreciate all the feedback! I'll keep going with this story for a bit :)

He let his guard down the second he looked into her eyes. There she was, standing right in front of him, safe and vulnerable - and perfect. He didn't know what to do; he was still in ops mode but at the same time he wanted to grab her and kiss her and make sure she was alright. When he heard her say his name, he thought he might break all his rules right there. His feet must have made the decision for him, because he slowly took a few steps forward. 

"Quinn.." Carrie moved towards him quickly, as she saw him start to close the gap between them. She practically jumped into his arms that he had extended to envelope her in. 

Quinn hugged Carrie tightly, gun still in hand, but held onto her anyway. He cradled the back of her head with his left hand and held her tightly, for fear of losing her again. She buried her face in his shoulder as she allowed herself to cry, breathing quickly. 

"I knew you were alive, I knew it.." she said, taking a deep breath, pulling back to look at him closely.

He looked down and noticed he had blood on him...it was from her. "Carrie?? You're bleeding??" he looked at her in a panic and grabbed onto her arms, turning her around quickly, "Are you hurt? Do you feel anything??" 

It was happening fast and she didn't even know if she had been hit. She took a breath and shook her head, "No... No. I am fine.. I don't think it's mine.." 

Quinn unzipped the black canvas jacket she had on that had been sprayed by the other man's blood, when Quinn shot him. She hastily took it off, throwing it to the ground, leaving herself in a grey t-shirt. She shivered and Quinn could see her eyes starting to dart back and forth. 

"Carrie, look at me." She tried to speak, tried to take in what had just happened, but couldn't. "Look at me." he said again, taking her face in his hands firmly. "We have to get out of here...now. I need to know you're ok to do this?" 

Carrie stood frozen with him, her arms wrapped around her body to keep warm. "I am ok. Let's go." she told him and fought the urge to jump back into his arms, as he fought the urge to kiss her. He had to get her out of there first. 

Quinn nodded and released her face, and Carrie picked up her gun from the ground, keeping it lowered at her side. Quinn took the lone candle off the table and threw it onto Carrie's discarded jacket.

"Stay close, stay behind me and if I say get down, you hit the ground as fast and hard as you can." Quinn told her as the jacket went up in flames. She nodded in response. She knew this is what he is good at, so now it was time just to listen. 

Quinn grabbed her hand and took off for the window in the adjacent room. "I am going first, in case there are more of them out there." he told her, as he hoisted himself up and through the window. "Be careful.." Carrie said as she watched his feet disappear. The fire burned behind her, quicker than she thought. 

Quinn appeared back in the window and extended his arms to her, "Grab onto me, let's go." 

Carrie reached up to him, grabbing onto his strong arms, not realizing how muscular he actually was. He pulled her through the window like a rag doll until she was outside. "Agh! Ow! Fuck!" Carrie looked down at her torso and a shard of glass had cut her side as Quinn pulled her through the window and blood seeped through her grey tshirt. 

Quinn looked at her, immediately concerned, "Are you ok?" he watched as she ran her fingers over her side, "It's fine, just a scratch."

He grabbed her hand, forcing her to keep moving as he looked all around them, his gun raised. They ran for a bit, until they reached the outskirts of the village. Quinn led Carrie off the road, across a rocky area that led to another clearing. He stopped suddenly and made her crouch down with him. Quinn removed a small flashlight from his pant pocket and flashed it several times. 

" What are you doing??" She asked impatiently, holding her side as she remained crouched. Quinn ignored her and kept up what he was doing. Suddenly two headlights came out of nowhere, coming right towards them. "Quinn!" Carrie yelled to him, alarmed, pulling on his arm.

"Let's go." He hoisted her up off the ground and pulled her into a run. She wasn't even sure if her feet were touching the ground. 

Quinn yanked open the back of the truck, as a man she didn't recognize met them in the rear. "I thought you didn't make it, I saw the fire from here." the man said frantically. Quinn had stronger alliances on the ground than Carrie did, it seemed. 

"Well I am just glad you didn't leave." Quinn told him and he lifted Carrie into the back. There were several large crates, and the two in the front were full of chickens. Quinn's guy followed them up into the back of the truck and lifted open a long crate. 

Quinn nodded and looked at Carrie, "Hurry, get in." he told her. She looked at him, wanting to ask if he was serious but knew he was. She climbed in and laid on her side. Quinn joined her, stretching his body next to hers, facing her. The crate was only meant for one person.

"You know how this goes." the man said to Quinn and shut the top of the crate on them. It was dark and they both breathed heavy from the running. Quinn clicked the flashlight on and placed it in between them, not that there was really any room. Their legs were pressed together and there was only a few inches separating their bodies. 

"Let me see it." Quinn said, after catching his breath. She lifted her hand from her wound and Quinn gently lifted her shirt, revealing her milky white skin covered in fresh red blood. He examined it with the flashlight and Carrie nearly jumped at the touch of his hand on her skin. Quinn reached up and pulled off the scarf that was still around Carrie's neck. He balled it up and pressed it down on her cut. "Aggh!" She winced when he did it and he immediately felt bad. "I am sorry." 

Quinn stared at her and held her side firmly, "Are you hurt anywhere else?" 

She shook her head, "I don't think so." 

They stared at each other for a long time, not saying a word as Quinn kept pressure on her wound. She was almost scared to even say anything to him and felt nervous like a teenage girl. More than that, Carrie just felt happy to be looking at him and feeling his body heat against her. 

"How did you find me?" She finally asked him quietly, not breaking their gaze. 

"Does it matter?... I did." Quinn responded watching her eyes carefully. He knew she didn't like that response. "Saul told me you had gone looking for me." 

At the mention of Saul's name, Quinn could feel Carrie immediately tense up. It must have been worse at home than he had thought. Quinn shifted on his arm and winced a bit. The side he was laying on was where he had been hit in Syria. He didn't want Carrie to lay on her injury, so he of course chose to endure pain so she wouldn't have to. She noticed his expression right away, and was immediately concerned.

"You're hurt??" Carrie asked and Quinn heard the concern in her voice, which he couldn't help but feel good about. 

"It's nothing, I am fine." He told her and continued to hold his grip on the scarf against her side. She opened her mouth to debate him but he stopped her, "Carrie, I am fine." 

They laid there in silence for awhile, the truck bouncing them around, hitting the dirt road hard. The crate they were crammed into stunk like chickens and there were stray feathers and straw everywhere. Carrie couldn't imagine what a mess she looked like; good thing he has seen me at my worst, she thought.

"Where are we going?" she finally asked him and adjusted herself a bit, moaning in pain. 

He loosened his grip a tiny bit so she could move. He could barely stand to see her in pain. "Somewhere safe."

She stared at him for awhile and then shut her eyes tight, shaking her head a bit. This had been way too much for her to handle. 

"Carrie, what is it? Are you in pain?" Quinn asked quickly, knowing she was about to cry.

Carrie opened her eyes, which were full of tears, "I thought you were dead. They told me you were dead.." She breathed in sharply, trying to gain her composure. "I heard the gun shots, I heard you get shot..." she stopped and swallowed hard, "I heard them leave you in Syria...you were hurt and they left you for dead.." she shook her head and tears rolled down her cheeks.

Quinn was in shock..she had heard everything that had been happening. She must have been terrified. He felt anger and then immediate regret for even going on the mission to begin with. 

"Hey.." he moved his other arm and extended it out. Carrie lifted her head and allowed him to loop his arm under neck and back around her shoulder. He moved his hand up, still keeping his other steady on her wound, and gently wiped away some of her blonde hair that was in her face. She stopped crying at his touch. "I am sorry you went through that. I had no idea they told you I was dead, I swear." Quinn looked at her intently, "I would never let you feel the way you have."

Carrie looked at him closely, their faces just inches apart. Her mouth was dry and she felt like she couldn't even speak. She felt Quinn adjust his hold on her side, letting the pressure of his palm remain on her wound while he allowed his fingers to grip into her skin. He slowly pulled her body towards him, being careful not to hurt her. She didn't care if he did. He kept pulling until their bodies were pressed together tightly. 

"I will never let anything happen to you and I will kill anyone who ever tries to hurt you." Quinn told her firmly, looking her dead in the eyes, his expression serious, yet soft. She believed him and she felt safe as a wave of emotions overcame her. He slowly closed the gap between them and pulled her into him, kissing her gently. Quinn pulled away looking at her carefully, he wasn't going to push. Carrie held his stare for a moment then reached out to him, pulling his face to hers and kissed him deeply, running her fingers through his hair. Their lips glided together and they desperately kissed each other, their tongues intertwining as Quinn thought how he never wanted to leave her again. 

The truck hit a large bump in the road and jolted them hard, interrupting their perfect moment. They both groaned and looked at each other. "You ok?" Quinn asked her, growing impatient with the long ride. She nodded. He stared at her, still not believing how beautiful she looked in the dim light - and in that tshirt. Fuck, she must be freezing. 

"Come here, get close to me." Quinn instructed her and helped pull her in as close as she could get to him. Her legs were wrapped up in his, their torsos aligned, and she lay in his shoulder, her mouth inches from his neck and he could feel her breath on his skin.

Quinn kissed her head and clicked off the flashlight, and they laid there in dark silence the rest of the ride. They didn't need to say anything else to each other at that moment.


	9. Carefully Dangerous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some Quinn/Carrie 1:1 ! Let me know what you guys think... I can end the story here or keep going, I'll leave it up to you! :)

Carrie was almost disappointed when she felt the truck lurch to a stop. Neither her nor Quinn said a word as they laid together, wrapped up tightly in each other. She wondered if his arm had fallen asleep after almost two hours, but she didn't care too much because she wouldn't have traded that closeness for anything. 

The top of the crate swung open breaking her thoughts, "Sorry it was a bit bumpy." Quinn's guy said apologetically and Quinn sat up slowly, placing Carries hand over her wound, replacing his. He noticed the scarf was soaked through with blood. He stood up and stepped outside of the crate and circled to the side she was laying, "Sit up slowly." he commanded. 

Quinn outstretched one of his hands and Carrie took it as she sat up. As she started to stand, he extended his other arm behind her back and kept hold of her hand, pulling her up. She stood and slowly stepped out of the crate, "I am fine, Quinn." she said, but before he released her she bent over in pain. He caught her quickly, holding her tightly to his chest. 

"I am just a little lightheaded.." she told him and gripped onto him, allowing him to support her. Quinn was getting concerned and knew she had lost a little too much blood throughout their two hour trip. 

He carried her off the back of the truck, not letting her have any say in the matter. He wasn't going to hear about it. She didn't protest, feeling weak at this point, not having slept in three days.

They had arrived at what seemed to be a small apartment like complex. It was the middle of the night and all was silent. Quinn carried her up two flights of stairs and stopped at a door tucked away around a corner, "Can you stand?" he asked before she nodded and he set her down gently. Quinn knocked on the door lightly and waited. A middle-aged man opened the door and stepped out, looking around quickly before retreating, "Hurry, get in." 

Quinn helped Carrie into the apartment, and she rested majority of her weight on him. "She's cut pretty good on her side." Quinn told him.

The man shuffled around and motioned for Quinn to follow him into the kitchen. "I set everything up.. put her down over here." he pointed at the small table, covered in a wrinkled white sheet. 

Quinn set Carrie down onto the table and she looked around her, feeling confused. "What is this?? Who is he?!" she asked in a panic, feeling herself coming out of the haze she had been in. 

"It's ok....Carrie, he's a doctor...he's going to help you." Quinn told her reassuringly, looking her in the eyes. "I promise, you'll be fine. He does good work, I am living proof." he told her and smiled a bit. 

She trusted him completely, especially with her life. Carrie laid back on the table as she was told and Quinn stood back a bit, allowing the doctor to examine her wound. He pulled away the scarf, exposing the cut and looked at it under the light. "There's still some glass in there." he said and picked up a pair of tweezers. 

Carrie shot Quinn a look, "You could have gotten me a drink first." she said sarcastically and looked back at the ceiling. The doctor slowly started to try and get a handle on the glass, poking her with the tweezers. "Aghhhh!!" she yelled out; it hurt much more than she anticipated. Quinn grabbed her hand and allowed her to hold onto him tightly. He wished he could trade places with her. "AHH FUCKING HELL!!" she screamed as the doctor pulled out the last shard of glass. 

Carrie loosened her grip on Quinn's hand and leaned her head back on the table. The doctor stitched her up and she breathed out slowly. He stuck her with two needles, one for tetanus and another for the pain. "Wish you would have given that to me before." Carrie said as she sat up after he bandaged her. 

"You'll thank me later." the doctor told her and Carrie swung her legs off the table, not taking Quinn's hand for help. "I am fine.." she said and moved into one of the chairs. God, she was stubborn sometimes, Quinn thought. 

"You're next." the doctor said, looking at Quinn, becoming impatient. 

"What?... No I am good." Quinn said firmly and handed Carrie a bottle of water. "Drink this at least." She snatched it out of his hand and took a swig. 

"I am not leaving here until I check your wound. This is a long drive for me and I would appreciate not having to do it again tomorrow." Thedoctor knew how stubborn Quinn was; after all, he had been stitching him up in places like this for years. 

Quinn sighed and reluctantly took off the long sleeve black shirt he had on and sat in the chair across from Carrie. He usually didn't give a shit but suddenly felt exposed in front of her. He caught her eyes do a once over of his body and he almost wanted to smile. She couldn't help but look at him and tried her best not to stare. He really kept in shape, she thought. She noticed all of the scars scattered across his chest and his most recent wounds were wrapped up in a heavy bandage. Carrie watched carefully as the doctor wasted no time unwrapping the bandage around Quinn's upper arm. He winced a bit as the doctor pulled the last of the bandage off, revealing a large and roughly stitched up wound, fresh blood seeping through. Carrie looked at him but he didn't meet her eyes. She didn't realize how hurt he had gotten in Syria.

They sat there in silence until the doctor finished, re-wrapping Quinn's arm tightly. "Both of you keep telling me you're fine but you need to be careful and not re-open your wounds." He threw his tools into his bag and neither of them responded. "Understood??" he asked and Quinn and Carrie both nodded and gave him a 'yea'. Quinn stood and walked him to the door, paying him and locked the door behind him. 

He shut the lights and turned on a single lamp that was a bit dimmer but lit the room. There was a small couch and a full size bed nearby. It was tight quarters. This was a place that was part of one of his extraction plans. Carrie was still sitting in the same chair and it was darker in the kitchen area than the rest of the apartment. Quinn slowly walked over and sat in the chair across from her. They were both sitting sideways, not facing each other. They say there for a few minutes and said nothing. Carrie slid him the water bottle across the table and he caught it firmly. More silence. They were both lost in their thoughts, each trying to take in what had happened. 

"What the fuck were you thinking coming over here?" Quinn finally asked her, a tinge of frustration in his voice. Here it is, she thought. 

Carrie sighed, "Let it go, Quinn. I did. It's over, it doesn't matter now....I found you, didn't I??" 

"I found YOU and you almost got yourself killed. You were reckless and completely ignorant of your own life. You have no regard for your own safety and what that means to other people. Do you know how fucked up that is?!" He looked over at her but she kept her gaze straight ahead. "If Saul hadn't called me, if I didn't find you-" 

She cut him off immediately, "SAUL called you??!" She finally looked at him, staring in disbelief, sitting upright and leaning over the table. "That son of a bitch kept me from you the first time, then left you for dead and then he calls YOU to find ME??Are you fucking kidding serious?!" Carrie couldn't help but yell.

Quinn took a moment to let it process, "What do you mean...the first time?" he asked slowly. 

She took a breath and met his eyes. "Lockhart got me and Max to a drop point in Istanbul. I left Max in a safe house and I had two guys take me over the border into Syria." she paused and she could tell the look of shock in his eyes. "I was close, probably 20 minutes from you max...but then Saul had me intercepted by two ops guys.. probably yours the more I think about it. I got sent home to find out Saul was Director and you were dead." she had tears in her eyes but didn't let them fall.

Quinn sat there, putting it all together. That was her that day that Shawn was sent down the ridge. He had seen her through his scope, he had watched Shawn throw her onto the ground, then into the truck. "Did he hurt you?" he asked quickly.

She shook her head, "No. He was a fucking pussy doing Dar Adal's babysitting." 

"Jesus, Carrie..." he said slowly, rubbing his head, not knowing what to say. "Why would you do that? .." He looked straight at her and continued, "Why would you risk your LIFE to try and find me? You have a daughter...why would you take that chance of her growing up without a mother? For what??....I was doing my job." he looked at her intensely as she jumped up from the table. Now she was pissed.

"You don't get to do that!....You don't get to judge me and the decisions I've made!" she yelled at him furiously, pointing her finger in his face. She hovered over him giving him her wrath, "I did what I felt I had to do! What was I supposed to do, Quinn?! Let you die?? ...Lose you again??" 

He stood up quickly, inches from her face...he had enough, "Lose me again?! ....You're so fucking selfish, Carrie!" He shook his head at her, "I knew that's why you did it. I knew that's why you came looking for me. YOU couldn't lose something because it would be bad for YOU." Quinn looked her dead in the eyes, and she could see anger but a bit of hurt too. "It was all a mistake. Everything I said to you before I left was a fucking mistake!" He yelled in her face until he saw a tear roll down her cheek and pushed past her towards the kitchen counter. He leaned over the kitchen sink, staring at nothing. 

"Don't say that.." Carrie said, trying hard for her voice not to break. "That isn't fair.....that's a fucking lie and we both know it." she walked up behind him and continued, "You're a fucking coward, you know that! You're too scared to walk away from all this shit and have an actual life. YOU can't do it and you blame everyone else around you for it! .... Look at me at least!" She screamed and pushed his back "Look at me dammit!!" she pushed him again, this time harder but he didn't move. "See...you don't even have the balls to turn around and look at me you fucking coward! You left your family and you had no problem leaving me either!" she pushed him and this time he spun around, grabbing her by the wrists and turned her around, pinning her hard against the sink.

"You need to shut the fuck up, Carrie!" He growled at her through gritted teeth. She knew she pushed him too hard and the look in his eye was almost dangerous, and she decided not to speak. Quinn stared at her for a long time, the rage coursing through his veins and he knew he should probably loosen his grip on her, but he didn't. They were inches apart. 

"You really mean it....that it was a mistake what you said about getting out?" She asked him, a tear falling from her eye. He said nothing, just continued to look at her, teeth still gritted. "Was the letter a mistake too then??" Carrie asked him, her voice finally breaking. He let go of her wrists and opened his mouth to speak. Holy shit, Rob had given her his letter. He hadn't even thought about it until now. Her eyes were big and full and she had a look in her eyes he had never seen before. She knew exactly how to break him. "Was it??" Carrie asked again, desperation and frustration in her voice. 

He breathed heavy, holding her stare. "No." Quinn said firmly and grabbed her face with his hands, kissing her hard. She was slightly taken aback and returned his kiss immediately, their tongues furiously meeting. He moved his hands down and up the back of her shirt, finally feeling her skin. Quinn pulled her shirt up over her head, furiously messing her hair. She didn't care. He kissed her deeply and looked down to observe her, only in her bra and pants. She was so fucking beautiful, he thought. He quickly picked her up and placed her on the counter, and she immediately wrapped her legs around him. He moved to her neck, kissing her perfectly soft skin, nibbling on her roughly. She could feel how hard he was through his pants and he was pressed up right against her clit. She was still clothed but could feel him grind back and forth against her and she moaned as she grew moister. 

She started to unbuckle his pants and fumbled trying to get them off quickly. She finally opened up his pants and could see how hard he was through his boxer briefs. She wanted him bad. Next thing she knew, Quinn was picking her up, her legs still wrapped around his waist. He laid her roughly down on the kitchen table and pulled off her pants impatiently. She tugged at his hair as he ripped at her black panties. He yanked her body to the edge of the table and slid her close to him. He ran his hands up and down her smooth legs and pulled her legs up, spreading them as he leaned over her, going for her lips. "Quinn.." she whispered, and returned his kiss before placing a hand on his chest, pushing him back. "Quinn.." He looked down at her, not wanting to stop, "What?.." 

She looked in his eyes intensely, her left hand rubbing down his arm and her right looped under his shoulder. "We're supposed to be careful..." she said, breathing heavy, tracing her fingers lightly over his bandage. 

Quinn gave her a small smile and gave her a serious look, "We're never careful, Carrie ....and I am not starting now." he told her, his voice laden with desire. He ran his fingers down her body until he reached her panties and pulled them aside, feeling how wet she already was for him. He let his fingers glide over her wetness and she moaned, lifting her hips slightly. He gently rubbed her clit and watched her face carefully as she squirmed under him in ecstasy. Quinn pulled her hair back with his other hand and lifted her head back, sucking and kissing her neck passionately while continuing his tease. "Quinn....please...I fucking need you..." hearing that from her mouth almost sent him over the edge. 

She leaned up a little and pulled his body up towards her, ignoring the pain in her side and tugged at the waist of his briefs until she released his perfect cock, wrapping her hand around his thickness. Quinn shut his eyes, finally being able to know what her touch was like. She was immediately turned on even more - if that was even possible. She slowly moved her hand back and forth, feeling how smooth and aroused he was. After a few strokes, he grabbed her hand to stop her and threw her arm back over her head. He bound both her wrists with his left hand and pulled her legs up tightly around him, hooking one leg with his arm. She looked at him longingly, barely being able to take it anymore. He slid his hard cock into her in one motion and she let out a load moan, arching her back to take him in completely.

Quinn leaned his body over her and started moving in and out of her quicker with every thrust. There was a part of him that wanted to be gentle with her, but in that moment raw desire overtook both of them. The table shook underneath them loudly. He released her wrists and she grabbed onto his back, digging her nails in as he fucked her harder. "Quinn!...oh fuck.." He knew she was on the verge and he was trying to hold back. "Oh my god..." She was moaning loudly and he held her thigh tightly as he pumped faster. "Quinn...aghh..." She gripped onto his injured shoulder and laced her fingers through his hair tightly. He felt her orgasm and couldn't hold off any longer. She was warm and perfect and he needed to release. Quinn gripped her firmly and pumped twice more before he came deep inside her. 

He buried his face in her neck and let the weight of his body lean into her for a few minutes, while they both breathed heavy. Her back was killing her from the table and she was positive she'd have bruises from it, but didn't care at all. Quinn kissed her neck and then her lips before releasing her legs and stood up, slowly slipping out of her. Carrie moaned a bit when he did and slowly sat up and slid herself off the table. He pulled his briefs up and walked to the chair, picking up his discarded shirt. They didn't talk and he walked back over to her, and she watched him carefully. He slipped the shirt over her head and helped her arms through, noticing her bandage had some blood seeping through the gauze. "You ok?" he asked quietly.

She raised her eyebrows, "Are you?" she pointed at his arm that was also bloody. He looked down and shrugged, "Well look at us.." 

Quinn smiled a little at her and took her hand, leading her to the couch. He laid down first and pulled her down with him. They laid in silence for awhile but they both knew they were awake and thinking. She laid in his shoulder, her back to him and he had his arm loosely draped around her, his hand resting on her hip. What had they just done? What does this mean? It wasn't how she pictured that going, she thought. "Quinn..." she started, and he knew her wheels were turning. 

"Not right now Carrie....just sleep." he told her gently and smoothed her hair down, kissing her head. They could figure it all out tomorrow.


	10. Crossed Signals

Carrie woke the next morning, her eyes slowly opening, adjusting to the light. For a moment she had forgotten what had happened and where she was. Then she remembered she had fallen asleep with him. Now he was gone. She sat up quickly, jumping up off the couch, "Quinn??!" she yelled and grabbed her side, "Agh, fuck!" she hissed. The pain medication had worn off and she was now feeling the effects of her injury - mixed with rough sex. That's right, they had sex. Rough, wild, uninhibited...sex. She shook her head, snapping herself back to the moment.

"Quinn!" She yelled again and started turning all around, not seeing him in the kitchen area or near the bed. Carrie rushed over to the bathroom and threw the door open, anticipating seeing him. It was empty. "Fuck...fuck! No you didn't.." she rushed back into the main room and headed for the kitchen, scooping up her pants from the floor. "Agghh!" as she bent down, pain shot up her torso and she gripped herself tightly. "Dammit!!!!" She screamed and pulled herself to the sink. 

"Carrie??" she heard the front door open and Quinn's voice. He had heard her yell as he was unlocking the door, and dropped the bags he was carrying, rushing to her. "You ok?? What do you think you're doing moving around like this??" His tone was disapproving and she didn't want to hear it. He put his arm around her, and placed a hand on her stomach, leading her back to the couch. She couldn't get used to his intimate touch. It was different now.

Carrie started talking frantically, as he helped her sit "Where were you?? I woke up and you were gone...I thought you left, I looked in the bathroom and you weren't there. I thought you left me here, in this place. I was about to go out and find you." she took a breath and said quietly, "I thought you left me again."

Quinn sat with her on the couch, his arm still around her back. She broke his heart when she said things like that. He looked at her, his eyes serious, "Carrie, listen to me. I am not leaving you again, I promise....I would never leave you here." He told her and placed his other hand on her arm that was resting on her lap. She closed her eyes at his touch and nodded her head, "Ok." 

Quinn took a deep breath, "You were still pretty out of it earlier, so I showered and went to get you something to wear - and eat." he explained to her where he was, "and I had to make a phone call." She didn't need to know that he had called Saul to let him know he got her, subtly letting him know his threat was off. 

He looked at her carefully and touched her hair. She tilted her head slightly, meeting his palm and he pulled his hand back. She looked at him feeling a bit rejected and he noticed. "You need a shower." Quinn told her and Carrie looked back at him scrunching up her face, "What??" He laughed slightly, "You have chicken feathers in your hair." he said and yanked a tiny bit of feather from her blonde locks. Carrie closed her eyes and felt disgusted, "Great." she said. 

Quinn laughed a bit, "It's fine, I was a mess this morning too." He stood up and extended his hands out to her, "Come on...I'll help you." he said gently. She took his hands and couldn't say no to him. She liked this side of him and it felt good being taken care of for once. 

Quinn led her into the bathroom and he had her stand by the sink while he turned on the bathtub, adjusting the water for her. She watched his every move and couldn't help examine his perfect features. How did she never realize how damn sexy he was? She realized that he was running her a bath. It was probably a better idea anyway, she thought. He moved back towards her and stopped within inches of her body. Carrie immediately tensed up, unsure of what would happen next. Even though they had been incredibly intimate the night before, there was still a sense of uncertainty between them and the tension could be cut with a knife.

Quinn reached down between them and slowly lifted his shirt that hung loosely on her body. She shivered and held her breath, knowing she'd be completely exposed to him. It was nerve wracking for her. He waited in equal anticipation, eager to see her perfectly slender body in the light. He carefully pulled the shirt over her head and discarded it onto the floor. She stood in front of him, naked and she didn't move an inch. He felt powerful in a way...he was fully clothed and she was in front of him, exposed, beautiful and he wished he could say she was his. Carrie breathed in and out slowly, and he kept his eyes fixed on hers. He's not actually an asshole, she thought.

Quinn slid his hands down either side of her arms until he linked her hands with his. "Come on...I'll help you." He led her over to the bath and let go of one of her hands to shut off the water. He turned back to her and took her other hand, holding her steady as she stepped in. "Wait...we need to get this bandage off first." He leaned down, ignoring the fact that her perfect breasts were right there tempting him. Quinn slowly peeled off the soaked through bandage and she made a small sound, before he ripped it completely off. "Ok, now sit down slowly. It's going to sting." He told her as he stood back up and he knew it was going to hurt. She listened to him without saying a word and slowly lowered herself into the water. As she dropped down, Quinn noticed terrible bruises forming on her ribs where the man had kicked her the night before. He felt anger boil up inside him and he tried hard to suppress those feelings and focus on taking care of her. 

He let go of her once she was completely in the tub, and she allowed her head to rest against the porcelain. The warm water stung her wound and she winced a bit but settled in quickly. Quinn walked back towards the sink to get a washcloth and some soap. She watched him and felt as if she couldn't even blink, her body feeling more sore than she thought. He circled the tub and got down on his knees next to her, "Does it hurt?" he asked. "Not really." she lied.

There was silence between them and he slowly dipped the washcloth into the water. She breathed in as his hand glided against her arm, sending ripples over the water. One part of her felt a desperate need for him to touch her, while the other part pulled her back, still feeling unsure. 

"So, what's the plan?" Carrie asked him, as she dipped her head under the water and emerged again. How was he supposed to answer her when she looked as incredible as she did, he thought. Quinn lathered some soap onto the washcloth and reached for her left arm, pulling it slightly out of the water. 

"We can't get picked up until tonight." He told her briefly and gently rubbed the washcloth along the length of her arm. "Then a friend of mine will give us a ride home." He continued to wash her and reached around, taking her other arm. 

"You have so many friends, I had no idea." She said a bit sarcastically, flashing him a small smile and made him scoff. Carrie watched him as he watched closely at how he was touching her. He dipped his hand into the water and lifted her leg, her skin was smooth and soft. She caught her breath quickly, "You know I can do this myself, right?" 

Quinn stopped immediately when she said this, allowing her leg to hang in the water under his hand. He met her eyes and decided not to let her have her way. "I know." he said confidently and continued washing her. She was slightly taken aback by his response but didn't complain. She liked when he took charge like this, she enjoyed this side of him. 

He allowed his fingers to run up her thighs, but knew not to touch her intimately. Last night was different, it was intense and sudden and they were emotional. Who knows what she would want now or if that would ever happen again. Her body almost shook when she felt his fingers make their way up her thigh as she waited in anticipation, but he moved right to her torso. Maybe that was a one time thing, she thought. What the fuck. "You know what...I'll finish.." She said and reached for his hands, halting his motion. "It's ok.." she told him, taking the washcloth. Quinn looked at her and went to speak, but didn't. He gave her a tentative smile and stood up from the floor, turning to leave. He must have done something wrong, obviously she wasn't interested in any of this. "Quinn..." he turned to look at her, "thank you." She gave him a small smile.

"If you need help getting out, I'll be right out there." he told her and left a towel next to the tub. She just nodded and looked away. 

Quinn sat on the edge of the bed trying to figure out what the hell to do next. She was safe and that was most important to him. But now he had probably ruined it by fucking her the way he did last night. It was a mistake, he knew it. It all was. He had to call Dar Adal and get back to Haqqani. That was his job. Shame on him for thinking he could have a different life than this. Quinn took the phone from his pocket and looked down at it. He clicked the keypad and stared at Adal's number for a minute before pressing the green button. He stood and walked towards the kitchen area, listening to the ringing on the other end. "Yea...it's me." 

Carrie finished washing her hair and slowly hoisted herself out of the tub. The water wasn't as warm anymore and she shivered a bit. It hurt like hell, but she didn't want to call for his help. She didn't want to be Quinn's damsel in distress any longer, but she also didn't want to push him away. She loved being close to him, feeling concern and compassion for him, kissing him and feeling loved. She wrapped herself in the large white towel he had left for her and allowed her hair to drip onto her shoulders. She walked into the main room and saw him standing near the window, phone in hand. "Got it." was all she heard him say and he hung up the phone, remaining at the window. 

"Who was that?" Carrie asked him, as she tightened the towel around her body. Quinn spun around, not realizing she was there. She knew by his face that she had caught him by surprise.

"How much did you hear?" He asked her, his tone serious and his expression, stoic. Fuck, he thought.

"Enough." she lied, "So what now, Quinn??" she asked him impatiently and neither one of them moved, standing across from each other. 

"Nothing. We stick to the plan, we leave tonight. I just confirmed." He lied to her and walked to the side of the bed where he had left his gun. 

She didn't exactly believe him but didn't want to fight either. "Ok..." Carrie held her towel up, standing in place and watched his movements carefully. He was checking and reloading his gun, something he did almost as a nervous tick. "Look..Quinn..about last night.." she started, not having any sort of plan as to what she'd say next. 

Quinn shook his head, not being able to bear anymore rejection from her. "Carrie...don't, it's fine." He snapped his gun back, tucked it into the back of his pants and met her eyes. "Look....I don't know what happened between us... so I just want to let you know you don't have to worry about it. We can pretend like it never happened." 

She was taken aback by Quinn's comments and furrowed her brow, "Is that what you want? To forget it happened?" 

Quinn sighed and adjusted the bandage on his arm. "Does it matter Carrie?"

She scoffed, "YEA, it matters." she took a few steps forward and folded her arms across her chest. Why the fuck did he have to be so difficult?

Quinn shook his head again, "We both know you think it was a mistake. So no, it doesn't matter." He broke their stare and started moving past her, until he felt her smooth hand grip his wrist, holding him back. He didn't look at her but could feel her eyes on him.

"I don't think it was a mistake." Carrie said softly. Frozen in place, Quinn looked at Carrie and wasn't sure what to do - or say. She had a tendency to have that affect on him. What he wanted to do was scoop her up in his arms and throw her onto the bed, but he thought better of it.

Carrie could see the doubt and uncertainty in his eyes and she blamed herself for that. She could kick herself for being so guarded even after all they had been through. She unfolded her arms and reached down, finding his hand. She felt his fingers grip hers apprehensively and she took a few steps, guiding him to follow her. And of course he did. Carrie sat on the edge of the bed and turned to her side, pulling Quinn's hand, to make him sit with her. He didn't say a word and sat next to her, keeping only a small distance between them. 

"I am not sorry for what happened between us last night and that's what I was going to say before you jumped down my throat." she said firmly then paused, "Look, Quinn...I am sorry I am how I am. I don't mean to be closed off or standoffish, I just don't know any other way. I prepare myself for the worst because that's all I seem to deserve in my life." He shook his head when she said this but she continued, "It's true. After my father's funeral when you said what you said...I am not used to anyone wanting to be with me, let alone having something normal and steady. I panicked." Carrie looked down, breaking their gaze. She knew how he was too...she could put herself out there and he could be gone tomorrow. "I called you after I spoke to my mother but you were already gone...." She took a long breath and kept going, "For years I thought that I couldn't be happy, that I couldn't get close to anyone because they'd just leave me, not being able to deal with my condition." she shook her head and looked back up at Quinn, who was listening intently, "It wasn't true." she let out a tiny laugh, "Turns out my mother just wasn't capable of being with anyone for her own selfish reasons. It had nothing to do with my father's condition - or mine." Carrie paused and he opened his mouth to speak, but she didn't allow him, "I called you to tell you that....I called you to tell you yes." she said quietly, tears forming in her eyes. 

Quinn's entire world came to a stop when he heard those words escape Carrie's mouth. It was a yes. She called to tell him yes after sorting out her family issues and he had left her, assuming the worst. Fuck. "Carrie...I am sorry....I didn't know, I just assumed..." his voice trailed off and he knew she knew what he had thought. "It was a yes you wanted to try this together or yes, you wanted to try this AND get out?" he had to ask.

She looked at him closely, "Both....I want a normal life..I NEED a normal life for Frannie, Quinn. I know I need to get out of all this shit but can't do it alone...and you've told me, neither can you." She placed her hand on his thigh and squeezed gently.

Quinn reached over and brushed her still wet hair from her face and held his hand on her cheek. She shut her eyes and then looked at him. "Ok, Carrie." Was all he said and she moved her hand from his thigh to around his waist and quickly shifted her body onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and could feel her running her fingers through his hair and she kissed him fiercely. She didn't care if her towel came loose, it would probably be better if it did. He kissed her back passionately, and allowed his lips to find her neck and bare collarbone. She moaned slightly and that sound shook him back to reality. What had he just done? He could feel Carrie taking control, finding his lips and then letting her tongue meet his ear and neck. "Carrie.." she didn't stop only let out a "mmm.." and continued, she was now straddling him and he had his hands on both her thighs, pushing the towel up. "Carrie.." he tried again but she didn't seem to get that he was trying to stop for a minute. It was hard to stop her, given how aroused she had gotten him already. She suddenly pushed him back with such force that he was on his back on the bed, gun digging in. She climbed on top of him and began tugging at his belt, feeling his hard erection over his pants. "Carrie..." Finally he sat up, and put both his hands around her upper arms, turning her on the bed to face him. 

She was confused; why the hell had he stopped her?? "What??" she asked impatiently and she saw his face fall, his look turning serious. "What is it Quinn?" she asked, knowing this couldn't be good. 

"I fucked up... I made a mistake. Earlier...when you came out of the bathroom and asked who I was talking to, I lied." Quinn told her, not looking away and could see her expression change. "I was talking to Dar Adal." He paused and could see her grow angry at the mention of his name. 

"Well I hope it was to tell him to go fuck himself." she said quickly.

Quinn took a deep breath and knew what he'd say next would kill her, "He's sending me back in, Carrie...I volunteered to finish the job."


	11. False Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more after this one folks.. I have to give them a proper ending :)

Carrie didn't say a word for what felt like an eternity. His words pierced her and sent her into a state of mental confusion. She looked in his eyes that hadn't dared moved from her and she could see he was full of regret. She shut her eyes and shook her head slowly, breaking their gaze. She leaned her one arm on the bed and ran her other along her temple. "You volunteered...." she said quietly, still in disbelief. Quinn didn't respond, knowing nothing he would say would make it better. She looked at him again, "Well just call Adal back and tell him you can't go, that you made a mistake." 

"I wish it were that easy, Carrie." he finally spoke knowing her next words. He shifted on the bed to face her and could tell she had retracted some. "It's already in motion. I can't stop it." he explained gently, "I am sorry...I thought you didn't wa-.....I fucked up."

"I'll call him, I'll tell him you're injured and you can't fly. We'll stay here until some time passes..then we go home." she said, beginning to get frantic. "He can't make you do anything, there's always a way to stop these things." she looked in his eyes and he shook his head, having no solution for her. "Or they can send Rob or someone else, there are plenty of other people to choose from who may not mind dying!" Carrie let a tear roll down her cheek as the thought of losing him again was too much to handle. Quinn wiped the tear from her cheek, his rough fingers grazing her skin, and he took one of her hands in his. 

"It'll be fine...I'll be fine." He told her, craning his neck slightly to try and make eye contact with her. She shook her head, not meeting his eyes.

"No. No you don't get to do this again! You don't get to leave me waiting to hear if you're alive or dead!" She breathed in quickly, "I can't do it, Quinn...I can't handle that. No way." She looked at him, her eyes full of tears and frustration. "I can't let you be their pawn, their weapon they can use anytime they want. Fucking Dar Adal calls on you and you just give your life away like it's nothing! And for what?? To hunt down some 'high ranking' targets only to find out-after you have a bullet in you- that they're mid-level soldiers?! It's bullshit!" She was close to him on the bed, face to face and she was on her knees, legs tucked under her body. "They fucking use you, Quinn! And I can't let you get killed over some crap job they're sticking you with. I can't get another letter!" she shouted at him.

He held their stare for a moment, her comment about another letter stung him. "Carrie..I am going after Haqqani." He told her softly and could see her expression turn to shock. "I was tracking him after Syria. That was the plan all along. Syria was a front to divert attention. I tracked him back into Pakistan...I had him in my sight and then Saul called me." He paused for a moment, allowing her to take it all in. "He called me to go get you. You were in danger and that was more important." Quinn waited for her response and anticipated her blow up. 

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" was all Carrie asked and shook her head when he didn't respond. "So now what? You get back into Pakistan and kill Haqqani? As if it's that easy." 

"Something like that." He said, void of emotion. "We both know it has to be done." 

"Yea, but it doesn't have to be by you!" Carrie said desperately, still trying to find a way out. 

He touched her face gently and slipped his hand down, to hold the side of her neck. "Tonight, when we get picked up, we're being brought to the air base and you're going home. I won't be going with you." he explained to her slowly, praying she wouldn't hate him for this.

She shook her head quickly, "No..no, absolutely not. I am going with you." She said firmly.

"No, you're not." Quinn told her, quickly cutting off that thought. 

"Well then I'll wait right here or at the embassy but I am not going home while you're out there." She told him, desperation overtaking her. 

Quinn tightened his grip on her a bit so she'd look him in the eyes, "No, Carrie." He took a long pause, "you're going to go home to Frannie and wait for me there."

She shut her eyes tightly and her chin quivered. She gripped onto his wrist of the hand that was holding her neck and lowered her face down a bit. She shook her head, tears running down her cheeks. "No..I can't..I can't.." 

Quinn moved his body close to her and wrapped his arms around her, running his fingers through her hair and pulling her face into his shoulder. She let out a cry and held in tightly to his arms, punching him lightly in the arm, her strength gone. "It'll be ok. It's ok." he whispered to her trying to soothe her pain. Carrie cried for a few minutes against him, gripping onto him tightly. She had just got him back. Was it too much to ask for to keep him?? They both knew there was no getting out of this and he would have to resume the job. There was a part of both of them, no matter how badly they wanted to go home together, that wanted Haqqani dead. 

She stopped crying and took a sharp deep breath, pulling away from him, lifting her head. He stared back at her, unsure of what to say or do. He would sit there all night until he had to leave, if that's what she wanted. "I need you to promise me two things." She said to him, her expression, serious. "Promise that you'll come home and promise me that you'll get that son of a bitch." 

Quinn was only slightly surprised by her words and although he knew he shouldn't promise her he'd come home, he couldn't not. He gave her a small smile and nodded his head, "Ok, Carrie." He encircled her face with both his hands and looked at her carefully. "I want you to be the last thing I think about before I leave tonight." He leaned in and kissed her gently, yet passionately. She welcomed his affection and kissed him back quickly, running her hands under his arms. He wrapped one arm under her back and scooped her up towards him, pressing her against his body. He moved on his knee and adjusted her body and leaned her back onto the bed. She was laying underneath him, and he was kissing her different this time. It was all different. There was no rush but to them it felt like there was. She pulled up his black shirt, helping it over his head and he tossed it to the side. He immediately became hard when he felt her smooth hands move lightly over his chest then down his back, pulling him close. 

Quinn kissed and nibbled at her neck, not caring if he left any marks. Good, he rather she did have some. He ran his tongue over her collarbone as he moved his hand up her leg, pushing up the towel that was still between them. She tugged at his pants and undid his belt, allowing him to help her remove them. He was only in his boxer briefs and his erection pressed against the stretchy fabric. God, he looked so damn good, she thought. He caught her looking and smiled. "What?" She asked smiling back at him. "Nothing." He said, his expression unchanged.

He hovered over her and looked at her for a minute, before slowly undoing the knot she had put in the towel to hold it up. She held her breath but felt more comfortable this time. She didn't feel nervous. He opened the towel slowly, exposing her perfectly soft skin. He stared at her before leaning back against her, kissing her deeply. His fingers worked their way around her body, up and down her arms, her torso, her thighs. He left a string of kisses down her neck until he reached her breasts and he encircled his hand around one while he licked and pulled at her other. She let out a moan and he took that as a sign for more. He nibbled a little harder, enjoying feeling her soft skin in his mouth. She was perfect. Carrie ran her fingers through his hair and tried to take in how good it felt. He stopped and began kissing her body, down to her torso. He stopped at her fresh wound and looked up at her, "Does it hurt?" He asked softly, and she shook her head no. He kissed her skin a bit lower each time and when she didn't even realize, he moved his right hand between her legs, grazing his fingers over her wetness. She took a quick deep breath and he knew he surprised her. He loved how aroused she already was for him. He continued down and suddenly stopped, making his way back up to her mouth, kissing her hard. As he kissed her, he quickly moved his hand back between her thighs and dipped two fingers deep inside her. She broke their kiss and let out a sharp moan, not expecting that. He smiled and moved his mouth close to her ear, whispering huskily, "You like that?" 

"Mmmhm" was all she could respond but that wasn't good enough for him. He plunged his fingers in further and asked again, this time a bit more demanding, "I said, do you like that?" This time she tried to catch her breath and let out an exasperated "Yes!!" 

It had been a bit of a fantasy for him, to do that to her, watch her feel ultimate pleasure from him. Pleased, he kept sliding his fingers in and out of her and moved himself down quickly, suddenly working his tongue against her clit. She was squirming and moaning and he held one hand firmly on her thigh to steady her as he continued. He moved his tongue faster and slipped in a third finger, immediately feeling her grab onto his hair "Quinn!" He wanted her to come for him, from him and he knew she was close. He slipped his fingers from her and replaced them with his tongue. She almost couldn't stand it anymore and couldn't believe how good he was at this. She gripped his hair and grinded herself against his tongue, as he moved harder. "Oh my God...yes...." She was going to come and he wanted her to. "Aghh... Quinn.." She came hard and probably pulled his hair tighter than he had hoped. He slowed down and licked her gently, tasting every last bit of her. He sat up on his knees in between her legs and looked down at her. She was flushed and breathing heavy. He took his briefs off and threw them aside, releasing his erection. He watched her stare at him and her exasperated look turned into desire.

Quinn lowered himself down on top of her and kissed her, allowing her to taste herself. She could feel his erection rubbing against her torso, then against her thigh as he moved lower. She spread her legs further for him and wrapped her arms around his back. "Please...I need you." She told him, and without another word he slid his hard cock inside her in one motion. She let out a load moan as he did, gripping him tightly. She was still sore from the night before and now she remembered why. He moved out of her slowly then pushed back in, but not all the way. Quinn nuzzled his face in her neck and held her legs back, as he pushed completely into her. She arched her back when he did, his thickness filling her and she moaned loudly. He stayed still for a minute, completely inside her and looked in her eyes, "You're so fucking beautiful, you know that, Carrie." He told her and used one of his hands to stroke her face. She almost couldn't believe how right it felt and how good it felt to be so intimate with him. She pulled his face to hers and wrapped her tongue in his, feeling him start to slowly pump in and out of her. 

They found a perfect rhythm and she got used to the feel of his body on hers. Carrie wrapped her legs around his waist and moved her hips with his. She could tell he loved that. Quinn could barely even comprehend that this was happening. He had thought about it for so long and yes - sometimes he thought about the type of sex they had last night - but majority of the time it was like this. He always thought about making love to her rather than fucking her, I guess that's what happens when you have feelings for someone, he thought. She was the only one who has ever made him actually feel something. He tried not to think too much about anything else except for being with her in that moment. He knew there was always a possibility that he wouldn't make it home and he wanted this to be just for them, always engrained in their memory. He was so caught up he didn't realize how much he slowed down and she touched his face gently, "You ok?" 

"I am fine" Quinn told her and she didn't believe him for a second. She took this as her cue to take control and distract him from his thoughts. Usually it was the other way around with them. Carrie pushed her hand to his chest and shifted her body, letting him know to move. She placed her hands on his arms and kissed him quickly, "My turn.." she whispered and he obediently rolled off her and she climbed on top of him slowly. This was another one of his fantasies. She straddled him and moved her body up, close to his still throbbing erection. He placed his hands on her thighs, making small circles on her smooth skin. She yanked both of his hands off of her and slammed them behind his head. He was surprised, yet immediately even more turned on. "Now, how do you like it?" She said, giving him a devilish smile. She wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine from last night. He was speechless and his injured arm was stinging but he didn't care. She slowly lowered herself down onto his cock, stopping inch by inch, making him suffer. "Carrie..." he managed to mutter in between groans. She suddenly slammed herself down onto him, taking in his full length and he let out a loud moan. She started moving her hips against him, getting faster and he could feel her fucking him as hard as she could. "Holy shit..." he moaned as he bucked his hips back into her, meeting her pace. 

"That's it...come for me Quinn.." She whispered to him, her voice ragged and she continued to move quickly on his cock. That was it. No more control. "Not yet.." He said and broke her grip on his wrists and sit up, still inside her, grasping onto her hips. He sat up, swinging his legs off the bed and she wrapped her legs around his waist. She sat there, him deep inside her, their bodies as close and as tight as they could get. Quinn nibbled on her earlobe and whispered to her, "Come with me." and started to grind himself against her and she returned his movement, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He held onto her tightly and they moved together until they both let out exasperated moans, pushing each other over the edge. 

Neither of them moved and they probably couldn't if they tried. Her legs were shaking and they were both sweating a bit. Quinn didn't want to release her from his grip and kissed her shoulder gently, catching his breath. She softly ran her limp fingers through his hair, letting her nails graze his scalp. He shut his eyes and let his lips rest on her neck. Finally, she kissed his head and slowly moved off of him, feeling his strong hands release her. Carrie pulled down the covers of the bed and climbed under them, holding up the sheet. "Come..." she said and beckoned Quinn to join her. He moved almost gingerly from the side of the bed and slid under the sheet with her. He laid on his back and she immediately went to the nook of his arm, resting her head on his chest and draped her arm around his body. He hooked his arm around her back and began running his fingers over the length of her other arm. 

They laid there in silence for awhile before he spoke, "It'll be ok, you know that, right?" he said softly. She didn't want to have this conversation right now and she wished he wouldn't ruin their moment. "How much time do we have left?" she asked, ignoring his question. 

Quinn glanced at the clock, "Five hours." he told her, knowing it wouldn't be long enough. He wanted to stay right there, forever with her. It finally felt right, he finally felt an intense love for her that he had only thought could exist. Then he felt her shift her body against him, draping her leg over his. "Well then we better not waste any of the next 300 minutes." She bit her lip, smiling at him and started to kiss him. Quinn pulled her body on top of his, holding her tightly. This was exactly how he wanted to spend their time.


	12. A Piece of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I promised this would be the last chapter but once I started writing it got a bit long so I've decided to break it up into two. Chapter 13 will be the end, stay tuned later this week for it. Thanks for everyone's patience with these last chapters!! :)

The room was completely silent and outside sounded still. She listened carefully to his heartbeat and made sure to have memorized his breathing pattern. Neither Quinn nor Carrie slept and instead, they lay there wrapped up in each other. They were both aware of the time and didn't want it to be a reality. They had spent the last four and a half hours making love, kissing, touching, laughing and fucking. They had each committed to memory every inch of each other's body, not wasting a moment. Now, they felt tired and sore but didn't care one bit. The sheets were twisted up and no longer covered their bodies. They lay naked together, Carrie's cheek pressed against his chest and he continuously ran his fingers lightly through her hair. His leg, although slightly heavy, rested over hers. Quinn couldn't get enough of her smooth skin and soft hair. She gently ran small swirls over his abdomen, studying his scarred skin as she did. She allowed her eyes to drift to his watch that they had propped up against the lamp, next to the bed. They had exactly 20 minutes until they had to be dressed, packed up and out the door. They didn't move. 

Carrie shifted her body and lifted her head up, feeling his fingers slip through her hair. She propped herself up on her elbow and looked at him. His eyes, for the first time since they had met, were calm. She couldn't fathom that she had that affect on him. "I think that was the best five hours of my life." She said smiling, biting her bottom lip. He laughed, surprised by her comment, "Agreed." He told her, and smiled at her playful laugh. 

He watched the smile slowly fade from her face and he knew she was about to delve into the conversation he knew they would end up having. "How am I supposed to let go you?" she asked, her tone quiet yet serious, and she almost didn't even want him to respond. 

Quinn swallowed, guilt overtaking his body and mind. He was leaving her-again - and it was killing him. He knew nothing he could say would make that alright. "I'll be back with you before you know it." He told her and tucked a piece of her blonde hair behind her ear. "This last thing, Carrie...then we're out. Both of us." he told her firmly, confident in his decision and wanted her to reaffirm hers. 

She shut her eyes for a brief moment and nodded, "Both of us. I promise." She told him, and gave him a small smile before leaning over and kissing him deeply. They pulled away and pressed their foreheads together, not saying a word. Quinn finally broke away, looking at the clock. "Shit.." He said under his breath, 10 minutes. "We gotta go." He turned back, gave her a quick kiss and swung his legs off the bed. He started walking to the bathroom and Carrie scrambled out of the bed quickly, following him, "Wait!" she yelled and he turned as she wrapped her arms around his neck tightly. She kissed him deeply and fell further into his arms as she felt his fingers caress her lower back. They separated their lips and she lowered herself from her tip toes. "Ok." She said and released herself from his arms, as he moved backwards, her fingers lingering before falling from his chest. He looked at her and smiled before turning into the bathroom.

She felt as if she wanted to crumble inside but knew she had to force herself to get her shit together. Despite the feelings that were creeping up inside her, Carrie knew she would have to let him go. She scurried about the room, finding her discarded clothing. Instead of slipping her blood stained shirt back on, she picked up Quinn's black long sleeve shirt. She stood there for a moment and raised the shirt to her face, inhaling his scent, shutting her eyes. She took the shirt and pulled it over her head, adjusting her hair. She needed something of his because when she thought about it, she realized she actually had nothing.

Quinn turned on the shower and walked back to the sink, leaning over it, looking down. He was going to leave her. In a mere 30 minutes, they would be at the base and he would be putting her on a plane home. Then he'd once again risk his life to take out a target. He knew he could die and never see her again. This is why I never let myself get caught up, he thought. He gripped the porcelain sink, feeling slightly angry and looked up, into the mirror. He didn't even know who he was anymore. He knew who he wanted to be but there would always be a part of him who loved this. Maybe that wasn't fair to put anyone else through. But he knew for certain he loved her and that outweighed anything else. He breathed in deep and then sighed as he stepped into the shower. He knew he had no choice.

Carrie stood by the door, arms folded, but feeling fidgety. She watched him emerge from the bathroom with no towel. I suppose he really feels comfortable now, she thought. She watched him closely, memorizing his movements and the shape of his body. He knew she was staring at him and he liked it. "Two minutes... we're cutting it close." She told him and tucked her phone into her pocket. He didn't respond and continued to dress. Next thing she knew he was fully ready and throwing a few items into a small bag. "You're quick." She told him and he gave her a small smile, saying nothing. She hated the silence but knew he would be like this. 

Quinn finished and tucked his gun into the back of his waistband. He walked toward her and stopped, looking into her eyes and she felt as if he could see her soul. He ran his hand against her face and allowed his palm to rest against her cheek. "Carrie...I-" he was cut off by the ringing of his phone and they both flinched. He knew it was their ride, "Yea." He answered, "Be right out." 

"Quinn, what? ....What were you going to say?" She asked him, not wanting to beg, but needing to know. He stared at her and didn't move, then finally leaned in and kissed her fairly quickly, before pulling away. "Let's go." He said to her and took her hand in his, forcing himself to smile a tiny bit. She didn't argue and she didn't push him. She didn't want to go, but knew she had no more say in the matter. Quinn opened the door and pulled Carrie outside, behind him.

They moved quickly down the stairs of the apartment complex, Quinn scoping out their surroundings and carefully watching each step they took. He didn't let her go and she kept up with his quick, slinky pace. There was a small, dusty SUV about 15 feet to the left of the complex and Quinn observed the street before leading her quickly to the car. He naturally checked the vehicle and nodded to the driver - a translator working for the U.S. He finally let her hand go and opened the door of the car, ushering her into the back seat. She climbed in quick and slid over so he could join her. 

As soon as the door shut, the man started driving not wasting any time. Quinn exchanged no words with him and sat about a foot away from her, gun in his left hand, resting on his lap. She stared at him. He could feel her eyes on him but he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact. He heard her shakily breathe in, and he knew she was anxious and upset. Quinn reached out his right hand, finding her left. She took his hand quickly and they wrapped their fingers tightly together. He finally looked at her tear filled eyes. Carrie opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She looked into his dark eyes then broke their stare, looking straight ahead. He did the same. They didn't dare move the rest of the car ride and neither of them let each other's hand go. 

\-------

For the rest of her life she'd never forget that moment. She felt like she was watching her own body from afar. He had let go of her hand and they had climbed out of the car, entering the large military hangar. It was fairly empty, with only a few soldiers scattered about, taking inventory of the most recent cargo load. It was night and the place was lit up, almost making her eyes hurt. Carrie watched Quinn's careful and calculated movements and followed him at a distance, taking in her own surroundings. He spoke to a few people and she knew he was confirming and re-confirming her departure. Then she noticed a smaller plane and a few men sifting through cargo boxes nearby. They whispered amongst themselves and she knew they were Quinn's escort back into Pakistan. She swallowed hard, her heart sinking. The reality was hitting her as she stared at them, frozen in place. She jumped when she felt him place his hand on her lower back. 

"You ok?" Quinn asked her, walking to her side and shifting her away from the other plane. She didn't respond, but instead just nodded and shuffled away with him. They walked next to each other, and he kept his hand on the small of her back, guiding her along. Carrie wanted to dig her heels into the ground and not walk another inch, as they neared the large cargo plane she would get on to get home. They crossed the threshold of the hangar and the night air was cool, the wind blowing up her hair slightly. "Quinn.." She finally said, and a tear rolled down her cheek, but they continued to walk. "It's ok." He reassured her and moved his hand from her back to her shoulder. They both looked ahead as they walked and she felt as if her knees would give out any second. He slowed his pace and she automatically followed suit. He finally stopped walking and released her shoulder. Carrie stopped and stared at the plane for a moment. It was still being loaded up with crates. She turned to face him and shook her head, "I can't....I am sorry. I can't go....I won't." She told him firmly, folding her arms.

Quinn took a deep breath and placed his hands on either sides of her arms, "Carrie...you know you have to go." He told her gently. She still shook her head at him, "No. I don't. I can go with you. I can help you get back into Pakistan, I can use my resources. Hell, I'll be a fuck load better backup than those guys!" She said and gestured towards the small group, who had been loading the other plane. 

He saw the look in her eyes and knew the only way to calm her. "Carrie, please.... I need you to go home. I need to know you're safe." He didn't paused and didn't slightly blink, "I need you to go home and be with Frannie. Take care of her, hug her, kiss her....love her. Be her mother." He saw the tears roll down her cheeks and her mouth quivered, but he continued, "Please... I need you to do this for me. Go home and wait for me." He gently wiped the tears from her cheeks and she uncrossed her arms, throwing her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. He pressed his mouth to her neck, feeling her soft hair against his face. He held her so tightly he thought for a moment, he might be hurting her.

Carrie pulled back from their embrace and looked at him. She thought his eyes seemed watery but maybe it was just the wind. "I need you to promise me that you'll come home." She demanded. He swallowed and took a breath, "I promise."

"No, I need you to say it! I need you to say it Quinn!" She shouted desperately, still holding onto his arms. He grabbed her, looking into her eyes deeply and knew he shouldn't do it. "I promise I will come home- to you, Carrie." He told her firmly and his voice was sincere. She knew he would do everything in his power to keep his promise to her. 

"Sir!" One of the men yelled across to Quinn and they both turned to look. He nodded back and the pilot walked onto the plane. "They're ready. We both have to go." He told her quietly. "I am not leaving until I see your plane take off." He ran his fingers through her blonde hair, holding his hand gently in place, against her cheek. He pulled her face to his and kissed her deeply. She returned his kiss and could taste the saltiness of her tears against their lips. They finally pulled slightly away and she furrowed her brow, not wanting this to be it. She gave him one tiny kiss and pulled him in quickly, her hand wrapped around the back of his neck. Carrie brought her lips to his ear and whispered to him, "I'll always love you." She released him, barely kissed his cheek and turned away, not meeting his eyes. 

Quinn's heart nearly leapt out of chest when he heard her words. She had returned the exact words he had written in his letter to her. He also felt his heart break as he knew she was crying, as she told him. She had pulled away quickly and he had let her hair slip through his rough fingers one last time. He watched her blonde mane swoosh back and forth as she walked fiercely away from him. A piece of her heart stayed with him, whether he knew it or not. 

Carrie walked right into the plane and didn't look back at him; she couldn't. He wished she had, so he could see her face one last time, but she didn't. Quinn felt a wave of anxiety he barely ever felt, sweep over his body. He took a deep breath and watched her disappear. Carrie made her way onto the plane and when she knew she was out of his sight, she leaned her hand against the wall, bracing her body firmly. She took three large deep breaths and tried to regain herself. "Ma'am?" she swung her head to the side and the pilot was staring at her, unsure of what he should do. 

Carrie straightened her body and walked forward to where she would sit, forcing a small smile. "I am fine. Are we ready?" She sat down and began strapping herself in. The pilot nodded and disappeared back into the cockpit. She knew Quinn was still standing right where she left him and loyally watching her plane. She couldn't look at him. The plane started down the runway, increasing speed and she felt her pulse quicken. She felt the wheels leave the ground and the plane circle back, and it wasn't until then that she looked down and saw his silhouette fade into the distance. Carrie pulled the sleeve of his black shirt that she wore, over her hand and to her face.She inhaled his scent, shutting her eyes and this time she didn't stop the tears.

Quinn waited until her plane disappeared into the clouds before turning and heading towards his own. He left his heart completely with her, whether she knew it or not. Now he had two missions: get Haqqani and get home to Carrie. He boarded the plane and didn't look back.


	13. Full Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! Sorry it's so long but I wanted to wrap it up in one last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is it! Just wanted to thank you all for reading my first fic and all the wonderful feedback and encouragement I've received! I've loved writing this story and I hope everyone enjoys the ending :)

Carrie spent the last two months of her life functioning at a speed faster than usual. She needed to keep every minute of her time occupied, so she didn't think about him. Besides taking care of Frannie, she tried to help Maggie as much as she could. Carrie made dinners, took the girls to ballet practice and occasionally did some laundry. 

She had found Saul when she got back from Iraq and allowed him to explain everything to her. Carrie listened patiently and even subdued her anger, that Quinn had asked her to try and control. Even after getting the full story and understanding that Haqqani was the target the entire time, it didn't change anything for her. It didn't change the fact that they used Quinn for their dirty work. "It's the life he committed to." Saul had told her calmly, attempting a truce. Naturally, they didn't agree. Saul wanted to put her back into the field immediately; Middle East station of her choice. She turned down his offer and asked to be put on a desk at Langley. Saul allowed it, knowing he would have to give her time and be patient before approaching her again. 

Carrie tried not to work long hours, and found this easier without a mission, or a target to track. She spent time with Max and that was comforting for her, him being her only friend. She relieved the nanny on a regular basis and Frannie got used to her mother being there everyday. She had made several attempts at speaking to Dar Adal, so she could contact Quinn, but he wasn't having it. He wanted nothing to do with her after finding out she bugged his home. 

Carrie heard from Quinn only two weeks after they had parted in Iraq. It was 2:30am, she was in a haze and hadn't recognized the number on her phone, but immediately knew it was him. She jolted up in bed and answered quickly, "Quinn!" she held her breath until she heard his voice. 

"Hi." He said quietly, and could picture exactly what she looked like. He heard her release her breath and smiled, knowing that meant she was happy to hear from him. "Hi." She said back and waited, this was still new to her and she was unsure of how to act. 

"How are you? How's Frannie?" He asked. "Frannie's good, she's really good. Sleeping long hours which I am grateful for." She told him with a short laugh. 

Quinn smiled a bit, "How are youCarrie?" She didn't respond right away and he paused. "You ok?" He was worried about her. He knew what leaving her like he did could do to her. 

"Yea, I am ok. I am fine." She said quickly, and tried to move the conversation on. "Are you ok? Are you being careful?" 

"I am fine and I am always careful, you know that." Quinn told her and she responded quickly, "Yea, just not with me, right?" He sensed her playful tone and he smiled. "Right."

There was silence and they both held their phones tightly. Carrie lay back in bed, staring at the ceiling, "I worry about you, Quinn." 

He moved the phone away from his mouth and rubbed his brow, "Don't. You don't need to worry." He told her firmly.

She scoffed slightly, "Well you know that's not possible." 

He smiled to himself and shook his head, "I know, Carrie." More silence. "I have to go. I don't know when I'll be able to call again. I'll be home soon." He told her gently, knowing this was surely upsetting her. 

She felt tears form in her eyes and she ran her right hand through her hair. "Just be careful. No letter, remember." She told him and could hear him swallow hard. 

"Bye." Was all he said and he hung up the phone, pulling out the SIM card and battery. He knew he wouldn't contact her again until he got home - if he made it home. 

Carrie held the phone to her ear until she heard the beeping, signaling he had hung up. She rested the phone on her chest and took a deep breath. She would spend the next few weeks waiting patiently for his call that wouldn't come. 

\--------

64 days, 11 hours and 7 minutes since she last saw him. But, who was counting? Her phone never rang and when it did it was always a familiar number. She tried to subdue feelings of being abandoned by him, as they naturally crept to the surface of her mind. She couldn't help it. Carrie knew he was on a mission, knew he had a target and knew he wouldn't come home until it was done. Saul and Dar Adal had locked her out of any intel she could possibly receive and in a way, she was grateful for that. Knowing when he had been injured and left for dead in Syria had been too painful to take. 

It was a Tuesday. Carrie had left work an hour early that day to bring the girls to their recital, while Maggie took a late shift. By the time Maggie got home later that evening, they were both in need of several glasses of wine. They sat in the kitchen, chatting about nothing really, laughing here and there, when the doorbell rang. "It's late, which means it's probably for you." Maggie said, jokingly, laughing slightly. Carrie smirked at her and got up, making her way to the door, "Soo funny, I guarantee it's some-" she opened the door and immediately stopped talking. Her heart dropped to her stomach and she stood frozen, staring at him. 

Rob stood there, looking slightly disheveled and focused his eyes on her. Carrie took a few sharp deep breaths in and backed up slightly, "No." she shook her head, feeling tears coming,"No...no. Don't you dare give me another letter!" She clung to the door and tried to shut it, not wanting what she thought to be true to become reality. "I don't want to hear it!! Leave!!" 

Rob firmly reached for the door, stopping her from shutting it in his face. "Stop! Damn it! Would you let me talk?!" He paused for a moment until she stopped trying to shut the door and stood still. "He's fine." Rob lowered his hand from the door and let it drop to his side. Carrie released a long, ragged breath and tears fell from her cheeks and she shut her eyes. "Quinn's fine, he's being debriefed in a safe house, but they won't let him leave yet. They sent me to come get you." 

She took in everything Rob was saying and took a deep breath. "Ok. Ok.. He's fine?" She asked again, needing him to confirm one more time. 

"Yea, he's fine. Now I need you to get your shit together and come with me." Rob told her and she heard the urgency in his voice. She ran back to the kitchen and grabbed her cell and keys quickly. "I gotta go, I'll be back." She told a confused Maggie, and rushed back out the door, following Rob, who was already making his way to his truck. 

Carrie hurried over to her car, "I'll follow you!" She shouted to Rob then thought for a second, "Wait! Who sent you for me?...Who did you mean by they?" She had stopped moving and stood with the drivers door open, examining Rob closely.

He sighed and pulled his car door open, "Who do you think?" He said, and she raised her eyebrows at him. "You need me to say it?" Rob shook his head at Carrie, "My boss and your boss. Now let's go before they ship his ass out again." 

"Fuck." Carrie muttered under her breath, here we go again.

\--------

They pulled up to the unassuming safe house about 20 minutes later. They were outside of the city and the night air was cool. She had ran out without a coat but didn't care. Carrie jumped out of her car, ahead of Rob and he called after her, but knew there was no stopping her. She burst through the front door and ran down a hallway to her left, finding nothing. Wrong one. Carrie rushed to the other side of the house and down a back hallway, Rob now right on her heels. "Carrie, wait!" She threw the heavy grey door open and saw Quinn sitting at a bare metal table, Dar Adal across from him. 

Carrie stood frozen as Rob appeared behind her and she stared only at Quinn. She felt paralyzed. He stared back at her, clearly shocked to see her there. He looked thinner than she left him and he had a bruised left eye and a small cut on his forehead. Otherwise, he looked perfect as always. 

Quinn had been feeling as if his body was going to completely crash from exhaustion before she walked into the room. At the first sight of her, his adrenaline immediately began pumping and he held her stare. 

Dar Adal rolled his eyes and sighed when Carrie burst into the room. "You always know how to make an entrance, Carrie." He said sarcastically and leaned back in the chair.

Quinn realized something was up when Dar Adal wasn't surprised to see her. Quinn jumped to his feet, the metal chair falling back and hitting the floor hard behind him. "What the fuck is this?!" He shouted at Adal and looked at him, getting more angry by the second. "What the fuck are you up to??" He yelled again as he quickly circled the table as Dar Adal rose to his feet, meeting Quinn halfway. Carrie stood watching, unsure of what to do; she was well aware of their tumultuous relationship. 

Before Dar Adal could answer, there was a voice from the doorway, "Sit down." Saul said sternly and looked at Quinn and Adal, "Both of you." He made his way into the room and walked to another chair that was propped in the corner. Saul dragged it back to the table and positioned it next to where Quinn had been sitting. "Carrie, you too." He said and when none of them moved he sighed, "Please." Saul added sharply and Quinn looked suspiciously at him, before flashing his eyes to Carrie, imploring her to sit with him. 

She slowly walked across the room, as Quinn picked up his chair and sat back down, his body stiffening a bit when she sat next to him. He felt a wave of anxiety cross his body, one that only she could cause. They both fought the urge to touch one another and found themselves slightly distracted. Dar Adal sat back down while Saul stood against the wall, arms folded. Adal and Quinn stared each other down. "You can go now. Thank you for another superior job." Adal sarcastically told Rob, without even looking at him. Rob gritted his teeth and glanced at Carrie, giving her a slight nod before leaving the room, slamming the heavy door behind him. 

"Well? What the fuck is going on?" Carrie asked impatiently and flashed her eyes between Saul and Dar Adal, her eyebrows raised. She sat on the edge of the chair, poised to jump up at any minute.

Saul wasted no time, "Haqqani is dead." He told her curtly. Carrie breathed out slowly at the news and looked at Quinn, sitting statuesque, next to her. He looked down, and she knew this meant that his mission had been a success. 

"Good, but why don't you get to it, Saul? You didn't drag me out here to give me that news." Carrie said anxiously, wanting to get the hell out of there - with Quinn. 

As always, she rubbed Dar Adal the wrong way and he leaned forward, folding his hands on the table neatly. He looked at Quinn then turned his attention back to Carrie, "There was significant chatter over the lines after Haqqani was killed." He paused briefly, "We've been informed that Haqqani wasn't who we should have been targeting." 

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Quinn hissed at him immediately. This was all news to him. Adal held up his palms to him, "Let me finish. We have extensive intel revealing a much larger cell that extends beyond Haqqani." 

Carrie shook her head and furrowed her brow, his words barely sinking in. "No.. That's bullshit! He's the one who raided our Embassy and killed our people. Haqqani did that! HE gave that order!" She shouted, her heart pounding rapidly. Quinn grabbed her right hand under the table to calm her, and held her hand tightly on her knee. 

"Fuck." Quinn muttered and shut his eyes for a minute, leaning back in the chair, keeping hold of Carrie's hand. Saul noticed but didn't say a word. "It makes fucking sense. He would have never entered the Embassy himself, put his face on our cameras, if he had given the order. It was too risky. How did we not realize that.." Quinn said to none of them, but more to himself. "Shit." He banged his other fist on the table out of frustration. 

Saul knew they were both taking this hard and were almost at their breaking points. He walked to the table and leaned over, placing both his hands on the cold metal surface. He looked at both of them intently, his eyes dark. "We need you both on this....As soon as possible." He paused and realized both of their expressions had changed, "Tonight." Saul finished and held his gaze with Carrie. 

She opened her mouth slightly, not being able to take in what was happening. She shook her head and knew there were no words coming out. She felt Quinn suddenly release his grip on her hand and he stood up. "No. Absolutely not. We're done with this. We can't....Not again, not after what we've been through." He said firmly and faced Saul directly. "Carrie, let's go." Quinn commanded, turning towards the door, and still in shock, she rose from the table, following Quinn. 

"The cell goes beyond the Middle East." Adal said loudly, but calmly. "It's reached home. They're here." He lowered his voice ominously as Saul looked at the floor, feeling ashamed and disgusted at the thought. Carrie and Quinn both stopped dead in their tracks and looked at each other, before turning back, almost in unison. 

Carrie made the first steps back into the room, to look Saul and Dar Adal in the face. Quinn stood his ground, only shuffling in a foot. "Are you sure?" She asked and felt a wave a panic come over her body. Dar Adal just stared back at her with a look that made her know that they were positive. Carrie breathed out and paced around herself and Quinn folded his arms, rubbing one hand to his forehead. After all they had gone through...from Pakistan, Syria, Iraq and back again, they still hadn't won. 

Quinn broke the silence, his voice slightly hoarse and somewhat defeated, "So what is it that you want from us?" He looked at Saul this time, expecting the real answer from him. 

Saul shoved his hands in his pockets and looked Quinn in the eyes, feeling Carrie's glare, "Look, we wouldn't ask this if it weren't a severe threat. You're our best and we don't have the luxury of time to loop in anyone new. You both have the background, you know the players and you two are the only real shot we have at stopping these bastards from hitting us at home." Saul flashed his eyes between them and knew he must have them on the hook. "I know tonight is a bit much to ask-"

"Tomorrow, 0800 at Langley. If you aren't going to do it, don't bother coming at all." Dar Adal finished for Saul and got up, walking past Quinn and leaving the room. 

Carrie still paced a bit and Quinn watched her, knowing this was a struggle for her. He was struggling with it too, but didn't show it. She finally stopped moving and made eye contact with Saul, before walking back towards Quinn. "Carrie, a word?" Saul asked gently and she stopped in her tracks. Quinn looked at her carefully and she nodded she was ok and squeezed his arm. Quinn looked at Saul before leaving them alone. 

She folded her arms and Saul walked towards her, leaving a foot between them. "I am glad you came, Carrie." He said, attempting to give her a small smile but she just looked back at him, expressionless. "Carrie.... you know I need you on this, right?" It was a rhetorical question and she raised her eyebrows shaking her head. 

Dar Adal stood outside, waiting patiently for Quinn, knowing Saul would hold Carrie back. As soon as Quinn exited the house, he made eye contact with Adal and breathed out sharply, feeling at his breaking point. "This is serious Peter." He said and walked over to face Quinn directly. "A lot of people are going to die if I don't have you there to stop them. I will admit it, I need you leading the team." 

"Carrie...they're planning a string of Embassy attacks....just like what happened in Islamabad." Saul told her quietly and held her stare. She didn't know how to process the information and felt her breathing become quicker, "What?!... So you're telling me not only are these fucks on our own soil but they're planning to take us out, God knows where else?!" She was shouting, trying to warp her mind around this. How they could have been so ignorant. 

"We've confirmed the cell is planning a wave of Embassy attacks... imminent attacks." Dar Adal told Quinn and could see the shock spread across Quinn's generally stoic face. "What.." He hissed and Adal slightly nodded. "Fuck." Quinn muttered and rubbed his forehead.

"I can't do this right now." Carrie told Saul and moved towards the door quickly. She felt herself becoming extremely anxious. "Carrie." She turned in the doorway and looked back at him, "That information is between you and I....I need you on this. I truly do. Make the right decision. Those people.... they need you." With that, she left Saul standing there, her head spinning. 

"Keep this to yourself. And do us all a favor and make your own decision on this, Peter....Make it right." Dar Adal told him and turned away as he saw Carrie emerge from the house. 

She immediately walked to Quinn and quickly wrapped her arms around his neck tightly and he enveloped her body in his strong arms. She breathed hard into his shoulder and kissed his neck, trying to contain her emotions. He stroked her hair, kissing her head and left his hand on the back of her neck, pulling away to look at her, "You're ok?" He asked, knowing she was shaken up. She gently touched the cut on his forehead and quickly nodded her head, "Yea...yea I am ok." She looked down, fumbling her car keys in her hand and he took them gently from her, "I'll drive." 

\---------

There was a tense air that hung over the drive back to Maggie's house. Quinn had his hand resting on Carrie's thigh as he drove and they had been mostly silent, caught up in their own thoughts. "I mean, how can they fucking do this to us??" She practically shouted, shaking her head furiously. 

"Because they can. Because they think they own us." Quinn said softly, keeping his eyes on the road.

"No. That's bullshit, Quinn!" She yelled this time. "We can't go back.... right?? We're getting out, that was the deal....that's the promise you made!" Carrie blurted out desperately.

Quinn looked at her quickly, briefly taking his eyes off the road, "And the promise you made." He reminded her, his voice tense. 

"Fuck, I don't know. Maybe this is just what we're cut out for." Carrie mumbled, looking out the window. 

Quinn flashed her a quick look and removed his hand from her leg, pulling the car to the side of the road, stopping suddenly. Carrie looked at him, furrowing her brow, "What are you doing?" 

"No, what the fuck are YOU doing, Carrie??" He hissed at her, turning his body to look at her directly. "Are you out of your fucking mind thinking you can get involved with this again? Go back over there? Leave your daughter??" 

"Before you go attacking me, we both know you're thinking about it and don't you dare try to lie to me and say you're not!" She yelled back at him, her eyes cold. "Whatever Dar Adal said to you out there has you all screwed up? I can tell!" 

"Yea and whatever Saul said has you fucked up as always!" Quinn yelled at her and immediately regretted it. She looked away from him and he looked down, sighing. 

She stared out the window, taking in the silence between them. "How are we supposed to live a normal life knowing we could have prevented the loss of more of our people?" 

He turned his body, looking directly at her, "The Embassy attacks. Saul told you." Quinn pieced it together, they had split them up as a semi-clever tactic to pull them back in. 

Carrie furrowed her brow, "How did.." She paused, releasing her breath, "And Dar Adal told you." She shook her head and tilted her neck back, against the seat. Quinn swallowed hard and shifted his body forward again. He was angry and worries all at once and had an overwhelming urge to protect her. 

"I don't know what to do here, Carrie....This is our job." He said quietly and pounding his hand into the steering wheel. 

She felt tears forming in her eyes and pushed some hair behind her ear. "Yea, but we made a promise to each other too. I don't know if I can live with breaking that. I don't know if I can live with losing you again." Carrie didn't look at him, but stared out the car window into the darkness. She could feel his eyes on her and wanted to know so badly what he was thinking. He didn't know what else to say and started the car again, driving away. They spent the rest of the ride in complete silence. How were they going to choose each other over their country that they had sworn to serve and protect? 

He pulled into Maggie's driveway and turned off the car. They sat in silence for a minute before Quinn got out, leaving her sitting there. Carrie followed and she walked towards the front door, before noticing he wasn't following her. "What are you doing?" She asked, giving him a confused look. 

He put his hands in his pockets and slightly shrugged, "I don't know." He seemed lost and defeated and she walked back towards him. "It's the same cycle over and over again, Carrie. We were - are supposed to break it and I honestly don't know if we'll ever be able to." 

"Quinn..." She said slowly and looked at him intently, reaching out to touch his arm that was still at his side. "We can break the cycle..together. We both know that eventually we can." He scoffed a bit, "Eventually..." He repeated, and she shook her head continuing, "We'd be lying if we said we both could ignore that are country needs us...what will happen if-" 

He cut her off, "Just..." Quinn's words got caught in his throat and he swallowed, "Just stop....stop." He told her and looked at her, his eyes intense. "I need to think about this...and so do you." He told her and she knew he was going to leave. 

Carrie knew he wouldn't disappear into the night and she also knew he was right. "Well I can't stop you.." She said quietly, frustration evident in her voice. 

Quinn took his hands from his pockets and took her small hands in his. "Just remember that I love you, Carrie." He said softly and took her hands to his mouth, kissing them gently. Quinn held her gaze for a minute and then released her hands slowly, even though he felt her grip lingering. He gave her a small smile then turned, walking away into the darkness. They both had a long night of decisions ahead of them. 

\--------

Carrie had spent majority of the night perched on the chair in Frannie's room, her legs tucked against her chest. Frannie hadn't stirred once and Carrie was a bit disappointed, gladly needing a distraction. She thought about the possible Embassy attacks and what she had gone back to in Islamabad. There was no way she could let that happen again, allow another Fara to die senselessly. How selfish could she be, she thought. Could she really leave her daughter again? Could she just leave Quinn behind and follow her gut? She felt as if her heart were splitting in two, along with her head. How was she supposed to make this decision?

Quinn sat in the lounge chair by the pool, in the dark. The light reflected off the water and he watched the insects dance across the surface. He didn't know where else to go and this spot either always cleared his head or practically drowned him. He knew he wanted a life with Carrie but didn't truly know if it were possible. He accepted that they would never really change and even if their hearts were with each other they would always be with their jobs too. But God, did he love her. He would do anything for her and that was dangerous for him. He made a vow to his country a long time ago, along to those who they recently lost in Islamabad. He had murdered Haqqani with just one shot and had taken countless beatings for what now felt like nothing. But this was his job. The only thing he was truly good at. How was he supposed to make this decision alone? Quinn held his cell phone and looked at Carrie's name on the screen. He waited a minute before calling her. He needed to hear her voice, hear what she was thinking... he needed to know. 

Carrie's heart stopped when she saw her cell light up and Quinn's name appear on the screen. She stared at her phone and didn't touch it. Quinn listened to the wave of rings and shut his eyes. Carrie gently turned her phone over and placed it face down on the table next to the chair. She couldn't talk to him right now, she couldn't make his decision for him and he couldn't make hers. Quinn let the phone fall into his lap and he swallowed hard. He knew it was her way of saying 'figure it out.' 

\-------

Light shone through Frannie's window but didn't wake her. Carrie had washed up, ran a brush through her hair and slipped into a dark navy blue suit. She stood over Frannie's crib, her hands planted in her pants pockets. She hoped that one day her daughter could understand that everything she did was for her. Carrie took a deep breath, "Bye baby girl, I'll be back." She whispered and softly left the room. 

Carrie pulled up to Langley with 15 minutes to spare. She removed the keys from the ignition and breathed in and out a few times before checking her phone again. Quinn hadn't called or texted her since his one attempt a few hours before. She quickly looked in the mirror and her eyes were puffier than normal, visibly showing her lack of sleep. She slammed the mirror back and shut her eyes...she could do this. Carrie walked into Langley, passed through security, and took the long walk down the main hallway, waiting at the elevator alone. 

"Carrie.." She spun around at the sound of his voice and locked on his eyes immediately. Quinn stood in front of her and put his hands in his pockets, walking towards her slowly. He stopped when there was a foot between them and held her stare. The elevator dinged and the doors opened, both of them ignoring it. She hadn't really expected him to be there and he had a feeling she would be. "So..." She said quietly, "Is this where you tell me to go fuck myself?" She asked him, folding her arms. 

Quinn almost laughed at her and smiled slightly. "No. I knew you'd come." He told her and she shifted her weight, feeling uncomfortable knowing he knew her so well. "Carrie, I am here because I want to be here. I spent hours last night thinking about you, me, us..everything we've been through. And no matter how I looked at it, the reality is no matter how much we think we love each other, we will always love this more." Quinn took a breath and let her absorb his words. "This is our lives. This is what we chose. This is who we are....and nothing is ever going to change that." He told her gently, wanting her to fully understand that he had completely accepted this reality. 

"Quinn, you WANT to get out. I knowyou do, you can't stand here in front of me and tell me you don't." She said desperately. "I am not going to let you follow me to the ends of the earth, so I don't get hurt, so I am not in danger...so I don't make shitty decisions! What kind of life is that?" She furrowed her brow, her arms unfolded and flailing a bit. 

"It's not about you, Carrie. This is about us. It's about who WE are. I do want to get out - and so do you. There is a piece of us that always will....but who are we to live a false life? So we can be on edge every day of our lives wondering if one of us is going to leave or go back?" Quinn paused and shook his head, moving closer to her. "I am sorry, but I don't want that Carrie. I want us how we are. I want you, I want Frannie, I want a life together." She looked scared and he put his hand on her cheek, holding her face gently. "But I also want this.....Can you live with that?" 

Carrie stared back at him in almost disbelief of what he was saying. Every word was true and to her, he was the most perfect being alive to ever understand exactly what she needed and wanted. She felt tears in her eyes and she closed the gap between them, not caring who was there, and pulled his face to hers, kissing him softly. His heart practically melted when he felt her lips against his, what he hoped was her acceptance of him. She pulled back, their foreheads pressed together and she held still his face gently. "Yea, I can live with that." She told him and they both smiled slightly. 

The elevator dinged open behind them and two agents walked off. Carrie and Quinn separated, looking at each other, before he nodded to her and they both stepped into the elevator. They turned to face the doors and stood closely, shoulder to shoulder, as they shut. 

Quinn looked at her, "You ready?" He asked her, his heart beating fast, and he could barely believe they were about to embark on a new life together. Their type of life.

"I am now." Carrie looked back at him, feeling a fire in her heart and an overwhelming love for him. Just by looking at his eyes, she could see the adoration and love he had for her. 

The elevator dinged one last time and they both looked straight ahead, as the doors opened. They stood still for a moment and then almost instinctively, reached for each other's hand, gripping them together tightly. Carrie and Quinn both took a breath and walked off the elevator towards Saul's office, not letting each other go.


End file.
